Mist

A coffin lowered
the Sun blood stained and weary
never ending tears.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: haiku rules... even if it's not strictly haiku

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Scotland

Favorite Poets: Sylvia Plath

Comments

Welcome

I see you are fairly new and asked for moderate/constructive criticism so I will try to be gentle. Please let me know if I overstep.

That being said, the theme is a bit cliche as are some of the words (coffin, blood, stain, endless, tears). I would prefer to see a stronger hook or twist to carry this through.

example

coffin burrowed deep
fill dirt blood stained and weary
soaked in endless years

again, welcome

eight

Thanx for the welcome and the

Thanx for the welcome and the suggestions!!!!!!