RoseBlack
RoseBlack
Dec 17, 2023
This poem is part of the workshop:

Earn A Poem Workshop 1

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This poem is part of the challenge:

12/23 Getting Older

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Measure of Time

Tick-tock the clock.
Tiny hands spinning
minutes into hours.
Life's cyclical song.

Down, down the rabbit hole,
the hours turn into days.
One second, you're young and full of promise,
the next you're waiting to die.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

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Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Measure of Time" effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey the inevitable passage of time and its impact on human life. The use of the ticking clock and the spinning hands effectively symbolizes the relentless march of time. The reference to the rabbit hole could be interpreted as a metaphor for life's journey, which is often unpredictable and uncontrollable.

However, the transition from the first stanza to the second could be smoother. The sudden shift from the ticking clock to the rabbit hole might be jarring for some readers. Consider using a bridge or a transitional line to connect these two images more seamlessly.

The last two lines of the poem are quite powerful, but they could benefit from a bit more subtlety. Instead of stating outright that one is "waiting to die", consider using more metaphorical language to convey this idea. This could make the poem more emotionally resonant and impactful.

Additionally, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The irregular rhythm can make the poem feel a bit disjointed. Experimenting with different metrical patterns could help to create a more cohesive and rhythmic flow.

Lastly, the poem could explore the theme of time in a more nuanced way. While the poem effectively conveys the idea that time is relentless and inevitable, it could delve deeper into the emotional or psychological effects of this reality. This could add another layer of depth and complexity to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Hello, Carrie,
You've hit the mark with this one. This is truly how it feels. Down the rabbit hole, and "swish" it's gone!
Thank you,
L

Alex Tanner

I liked this one of yours. (I generally do) I'll only take you to task on one line. I'm old and full of promise and not waiting at all, the grim reaper will not be welcome here. Alex

William Lynn

Hi Rose.

Thanks for your poem, I enjoyed it a lot. I'm eighty and all things considered, doing well. With that said time sure as heck picks up speed once you're headed down hill. I fight every day not to let the "old man in" but the bastard keeps on trying.

Thanks again for sharing this poem. - Will

RoseBlack

Glad you are doing so well. I'm 42 and keep trying not to let the getting older sneak up but it unfortunately is and has been hitting me hard these days. Thank you for the read and comment.