RoseBlack
RoseBlack
Nov 26, 2023
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From Lucifer...With Lust

Under the guise of loving eyes, he came.
Softening me with smiles that flattered
Honey stained lips that chattered
Of new and brighter days

Take my hand, he said with a grin
Enjoy life's twists and spins
There is nothing more to fear
For I'll always be near

Even when you want to run
And life with me has lost its fun
When the mask has fallen,
In the end, it's my name you're callin'

Hush pretty baby, face your master
The creator of chaos and disaster
But love could be so much sweeter
If you'd learn to play follow the leader

I am control,
Your broken soul is mine
I am love,
Our blackened hearts intertwine
I am hate,
Accept your hopeless fate

I am the monster
Whispering inside your head
The one who'd rather see you dead
Than in the arms of another

Floating in the abyss
Away from a life I wouldn't miss
Lost in a false sense of bliss
Triggered by one demonic kiss

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United States

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe

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More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "From Lucifer...With Lust" is a compelling exploration of manipulation, control, and the darker side of attraction. The use of the first-person perspective from the character of Lucifer adds an intriguing, unsettling layer to the narrative.

The poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey the insidious nature of the speaker. Phrases such as "Honey stained lips that chattered" and "Floating in the abyss" create vivid mental pictures that enhance the overall mood of the piece.

The repetition of "I am" in the middle of the poem serves to emphasize the speaker's control and dominance. This could be further developed by exploring more deeply the dichotomies presented (control vs. broken soul, love vs. blackened hearts, hate vs. hopeless fate).

The rhythm and meter of the poem could benefit from some refinement. The inconsistent syllable count and rhyme scheme can make the poem feel disjointed and disrupt the flow. Experimenting with a more consistent structure may improve the overall readability and impact of the piece.

The final stanza could be strengthened by tying it more closely to the themes and imagery introduced earlier in the poem. As it stands, it introduces new ideas (the abyss, a life not missed, a false sense of bliss) that don't fully connect with the preceding content.

Overall, the poem presents a compelling exploration of a dark theme. With some refinement of rhythm, meter, and thematic consistency, it has the potential to be even more impactful.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

C

Really loved your poem Rose, especially the first stanza

Under the guise of loving eyes, he came.
Softening me with smiles that flattered
Honey stained lips that chattered
Of new and brighter days

As usual you capture the essence of the “devil” and his actions

Geezer

that there are many different opinions about how to view love and lust; I won't make you suffer with mine. I like the "slave of Love" theme. We are, as the so-called highest form of life on this planet, are also the most complex. As they say, "There is a fine line between love and hate." I don't see anything that I would change. ~ Geez.
.

RoseBlack

I'm always happy to hear or read your opinions! I am glad you liked the poem. Not sure where this one came from, it just kind of popped into my head. I am getting a lot of that these days. there is a fine line between love and hate but I am quite certain I have crossed that line to pure hate with a few.

Alex Tanner

I enjoyed this Rose, very much. I would have loved more lust and eroticism, you could really go to town with this. Alex.

RoseBlack

I thought about it but it was getting lengthy and I don't think anyone wanted to read a short story about my dance with the devil. Maybe a new poem idea perhaps?

Alex Tanner

Nothing wrong with length (oops! perhaps the wrong thing to say to a lady). Seriously though good long poems are the ones I, personally, like best. They do need to have to have a strong narrative to draw the reader in and keep them interested. That is the snag with writing in just 32 lines. It would be interesting to see a contest where 32 lines were the minimum. Give it go Rose, don't rush, keep going back to it between penning other compositions. Alex

Ruby Lord

This is so deep and dark. I enjoyed the flow and rhythm and the way it leads the reader through the stages of control and exploitation within a romantic relationship to the ultimate conclusion of those who are involved.

The use of personification in the poem is masterful and could be applied to any situation we find ourselves in when we encounter a helpless position, the devil's really in the details here, as they say.

Well done,great job. Ruby :) xx

Leslie

I couldn't have said it better. I not good at playing follow
the leader, but I especially liked this line. It's easy to follow
the bugger without even knowing it. You've got to have an
inner light. which is tough for me to find!

Leslie

I thought the poem was brilliant. Listen to the song "The
Garden of Allah" by Don Henley from the album "Actual Miles"
for interesting info and more ideas for writing and plese tell me
what you think!

RoseBlack

Powerful lyrics...I feel like I have had this conversation with a few. I'm not afraid of evil...I seem to attract it..have learned to befriend it for as long as I can but it never lasts, it always turns bad. Now I'm just tired of it.

Candlewitch

My favorite lines are:

Floating in the abyss
Away from a life I wouldn't miss
Lost in a false sense of bliss
Triggered by one demonic kiss

Please tell me what you thought of the song: "Sympathy For The Devil"?

*Love the darkness, Cat & eddy

RoseBlack

I listened to the stones often with my dad. I really like the chorus. The devil appears in all forms. I think the song conveyed that all while the devil is trying to appeal to his next victim. I say victim because even though we may go willingly...it's usually because we are tricked. I have learned to dance with him and be his friend. There is something attractive
and that is how he lures you in.

Leslie

Listen to the song "The Garden of Allah" by Don Henley. I would
like to know what you thinkk of it.

Leslie

Listen to the song "The Garden of Allah" by Don Henley. I would
like to know what you thinkk of it.