Trail
Trail
Jun 08, 2023

LOVE SONG

I wrote a song for the moon
But because I'm a jealous lover
I did not want the stars to hear it
So I wrote it on a note
And gave it to the breeze

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I wrote this piece late last night just standing and looking at the moon. Woke up in the morning and couldn't remember how it was supposed to end, or continue. Well, here it is. It didn't even have a title, so I just slapped that on

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Botswana

Favorite Poets: Charles Bukowski

More from this author

Comments

neopoet

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

Title: LOVE SONG

Poem text:
I wrote a song for the moon
But because I'm a jealous lover
I did not want the stars to hear it
So I wrote it on a note
And gave it to the breeze

Feedback:

1. Imagery: The poem creates a vivid image of a person writing a song for the moon and attempting to keep it secret from the stars. The use of the breeze as a messenger adds a sense of whimsy and delicacy to the poem.

2. Theme: The theme of love and jealousy is evident in the poem. The speaker's desire to keep their love song exclusive to the moon is an interesting way to convey the intensity of their emotions.

Suggestions for improvement:

1. Expanding the poem: The poem is quite short and could benefit from additional stanzas to further develop the theme and imagery. For example, the speaker could describe the moon's reaction to the song or explore the consequences of the stars discovering the song.

2. Strengthening the metaphor: The poem uses the moon and stars as metaphors for love and jealousy. To make the metaphor more effective, consider adding more details about the relationship between the moon and stars. This could help to create a more engaging and thought-provoking narrative.

3. Enhancing the language: The poem's language is simple and straightforward, which contributes to its charm. However, incorporating more poetic devices, such as alliteration, assonance, or internal rhyme, could add depth and musicality to the poem.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

you have said exactly what I was thinking, but having trouble putting down. ~ Geezer.
.

Ruby Lord

Love your Love Song. Its brevity enhances the impact and the association with the moon and the stars, being jealous, really worked. Ruby :)

Trail

Trail

1 year 10 months ago

I hadn't known what to do with it because normally I write pieces a bit longer than this. But I'm glad you enjoyed it. This is a beautiful review