romantic_bohemian
Aug 02, 2012

Love is a lover

If I am a rose with thorns then you are the fingers that caress my petals
If I am the great wide ocean, then you are the vast blue sky
If I am a love letter, then you are the thoughts that write me
If I am everything I say I am, you must not believe me
Love,love,love
Why do you have to be so elusive?
I whisper your name in the dark
Only to find it etched on my skin
I thought i had you figured out
But I must be dreaming, I’m dreaming aloud
To know what you are about
I try to wash my hands clean from 
All of these stains you left in my heart
But to no avail
If you are a piece of art in an exhibition
Then I am the artist that paints the image
If you are my muse, then I must be the dreamer
Hopelessly hoping and
I’m still waiting

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: SGP

Favorite Poets: Khalil Gibran

More from this author

Comments

Candlewitch

I'm not completely taken with the title, but I have no better suggestions to offer up. Your language usage was superb, and the glue that held the piece together. The pacing carried the read right along. The theme appealed to me very well. I found it fascinating in its presentation (structure) These were my favorite lines:

If you are my muse, then I must be the dreamer
Hopelessly hoping and
I’m still waiting

always, Cat

N

I'm a hopeless romantic myself so I can understand how elusive true love can actually be.I hope you find what your looking for and if you've found it already hold on to it.I'll also say please don't smother it because even love needs to breathe.

Peace

R

Thanks for the feedback. Eph, I don't know why but I prefer 'I'm still waiting' even though I have thought about removing the 'i'm' before. It leaves an air of mystery hanging. Haha.

Aww, Cat. Nice to know you like those lines and the theme. Love I believe is universal and it's always good inspiration. :)

Número, it's nice to meet a fellow romantic! Well, advice taken and noted. And no, I have not found true love yet. So writing helps, I guess... to express myself. :)

weirdelf

I'm talking about the people who "gave" you comments, Numero Negative.

A love poem with the images of rose and thorn, ocean sky and art? Oh come on.

Numero your poem is well written, but utterly cliched and your Neopoet readers have not helped you by praising it so. Love poetry is by far the hardest to write and you have fallen into some of the worst traps.

I say again, it is well written, but if you are going to write a love poem you must be aware of cliche, or say "the sky was a blue bowl"

I am not doubting your sincerity and ability but I encourage you to find something much more personal, creative and distinctive if you want this poem to mean something about love or a particular lover.

judyanne

i would seriously cull this
(imho)

'love
... why do you have to be so elusive?
I whisper your name in the dark
only to find it etched on my skin
I thought i had you figured out
to know what you are about
... I try to wash my hands clean from
the stains you left in my heart
but to no avail
... I’m hopelessly hoping and
still waiting

love judy
xxx