I almost drove past, but it caught my eye,
tempted, just to pass by,
a force told me to seek it out,
it required me to turn about,
it was small, with limited space,
with only my loneliness, to embrace,
touching that moment, with solitude,
going deep it played inside my head,
making me uncomfortable, instead,
it made me look at my legacy,
look at my worth, you see.
Did I make a difference?
Did it come down to dollars and cents?
Uncertainty makes me shout,
is that what worth is all about?
Feeling like a lost key,
with life's uncertainty,
just wanting to cry,
I swear at God why?
As a duckling swam to shore,
it seemed to implore,
to see the beauty of the day,
my dark mood swam away.
Lost Lake as it was named,
is to blame for no fame,
down in sunken obscurity,
in a dark forest reality,
as it hides from obvious sight,
haunting past memory's bite.
Nov 27, 2017
Lost Lake
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This Lake is at the summit of the Monashee Pass, just east of Vernon BC. Just a small lake and campground with no wi-fi, no radio, only the deafening silence of nature. Truly a wonderful place and experience. Caution; it is easy to miss.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
I like the name.
I like the name.
It catches.
It sounds good with two Ls there.
They are like pilons.
The content is very promising.
However the poem leaves impression of unfinished flow of thoughts that begs for polishing.
I can be more specific if you want. Let me know if you are interested. Sincerely,
Lost Lake
Yes IRiz, this poet can use all the help he can get. I was worried about not getting too depressing in regards to the subject matter later in the piece. I as well did not want to get too lengthy with the piece as I as a man tend to ramble on. I had hopes of being concise with the thoughts I was trying to get across. I thank you for your attention and comments. Cheers
Nice
Nice
Let's start. You wrote
Let's start. You wrote
a force told me to seek it out,
it required me to turn about,
it was small, with limited space,
It is not clear whether you still talk about the force or the place you were called
Also I think there are too many details how u almost past and then turned.
Here is a shorter version of the first part, the way I understood it:
Tired of taking familiar routes
I'd come to a sudden stop
as if I'd followed the order
of unbound and vibrant force.
I looked around and noticed
my solitude....
We can continue later if you want. Let me know.
Comment
IRis, I initially had written nature's force, but there are different forces in life (spiritual, nature, curiosity) and I wanted all to be inclusive. Upon finding this lake I did have to turn around on a narrow mountain road with a oversized vehicle so it was a endeavour to do so which stuck out in my mind as to why I would be so inspired to do so. Once I did I ended up spending almost a week there listening to sounds in a place with no sound. Lastly I am a rhymer and through out my day most everything rhymes. The words just won't stop rhyming. I have tried other styles and formats but this mind just keeps rhyming. I have written a few pieces where it was imperative not to rhyme to get my thought across, but then it drives me nuts to no end. I call it rhymerphobic and it keeps me awake at night. Thank you again for your comments and interest.
No problem Thank you
No problem Thank you
Your description in the comment is asking to be placed in the poem.
Hello Trekker
I hadn't noticed you before so a hearty welcome to this friendly site. Strange that it is another newbee that greeted you first. Confession time; I also am an incurable rhymer. Ayway, I think this is a wonderful start and well worth a little effort to tidy up. As an example, I played around slightly with the first four lines.
I almost drove past, but it caught my eye,
'though tempted, just to pass on by,
a force told me to seek it out,
which required that I turn about,
Coment
Thank you Keith. I do appreciate your feedback, and your attention. Keep on rhyming brother.
trekker