Warm night, steam from ice.
Hold me down, beneath your body.
Mama's baby drenched in sin,
while you call for me again.
As my lips scrape against your chest,
a single tear falls, grazing my breast.
Knowing it will never be more than this.
Survival of the fittest.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Longing" utilizes vivid, sensual imagery to convey a sense of desire and regret. The juxtaposition of "warm night" and "steam from ice" in the first line creates an intriguing contrast, setting the tone for the rest of the poem.
The use of the phrase "Mama's baby drenched in sin" is a powerful way to express guilt or shame. However, it might be beneficial to provide more context or clarification to this line, as it could be interpreted in multiple ways depending on the reader's perspective.
The line "As my lips scrape against your chest" is a strong sensory detail that enhances the intimate atmosphere of the poem. However, the word "scrape" may not be the best choice here, as it can have a harsh, uncomfortable connotation that might not align with the overall tone of the poem.
The concluding line, "Survival of the fittest", seems to be a metaphor for the relationship being described. It could be beneficial to expand on this concept and how it relates to the rest of the poem. For instance, is the speaker suggesting that the relationship is a competition or struggle? If so, this could be further developed to add depth to the poem.
Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to evoke emotion. With some refinement and expansion on certain concepts, it could be even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
ouch!
Dear Carrie,
It makes the heart ache...all that loneliness... Great work!
*love, Cat
Loving
Someone seems to be the most painful thing in the world. Thank you for the comment.
There is a sense of desire
There is a sense of desire and deperation in your poem, which you use to highlight the complexities of this relationship.
It has left me with more questions than answers which is always good in poetry, you have left your words to run through my mind. Excellent, Ruby :) xx
Hi Ruby
Thank you for the read and comment. There is a strong desire in the poem and desperation as you said. No one ever seems to stay no matter how much you love them.
Rose, as usual you bring to
Rose, as usual you bring to the surface your innermost emotions. I feel some loneliness expressed here along with a hint of shame.
Thank you Clentin
There was a variety of emotions in this poem. Glad you enjoyed
Longing
Hello, Carrie,
An appropriate title leading to such a deep longing of the heart...
L
Thanks L
I always do my title last. I let the poem flow and see what title feels right after I have finished. As always thank you for the read and comment.