Trouble
Trouble
Apr 16, 2017

loneness

Loneness is the silence
Within a word
The validation of
Friendship and I love you
Are syllables of a silence yarn?

A forlornness heart
Bleeds with silence for the syllables
unheard

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Detroit Mi

Favorite Poets: my poets are john Coltrane and Sarah Vaughan OK they are not poets but their music is reason that I write . I want my poetry to flow like their music

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Comments

Rula

I wonder if "lonliness" would be a better title.
I also think that this piece would benefit from punctuation. At the moment I feel some confusion as where the thought stopped or extended.

Trouble

OK I first must thank you for reading my poem my punctuation dose need work I am a work in progress with my grammar but one day when I have the power of punctuation and grammar I will write the music and I am going to rewrite this poem

wesley snow

I have not been around so I have not read you yet.
I must confess to not being a fan of free verse, but the subject matter is moving.
However, I agree with Rula that the poem would benefit from punctuation.
Many poets eschew punctuation in an attempt to let the words themselves punctuate, but I consider it one more tool in my box that I may use to explain myself.
I use every tool at my disposal.
Again, welcome. I hope you stick around.

Trouble

OK I first must thank you for reading my poem my punctuation dose need work I am a work in progress with my grammar but one day when I have the power of punctuation and grammar I will write the music

Eumolpus

The poem is very effective in that the words create the loneliness, especially the second stanza.l like the language and the tightness and kind of inner music you have achieved. Such short poems are hard to write and have to be absolutely crafted.
Although there are no rules, I prefer either punctuation or not, but not sometimes. I do not understand the question mark, It turns a non question into a question, like the way people seem to talk today, especially on sit-coms....as in. "the way people talk to-day?", your voice would go up into a question while pronouncing the word "today"
I also love the concept of loneliness being the silence with the word...very strong.
I do no not get "yarn" ...for me it doesn't follow the logic whether I consider it as a "tale" or as wool used to make a sweater... maybe you could advise.

Keith Logan

I am a rhymer but this is how I would use line breaks in place of punctuation.

Loneliness is the silence
within a word
The validation of friendship
and I love you
are syllables of a silent yarn.

A forlorn heart
bleeds with silence
for the syllables
unheard