Lobster Boats

Lobster boats at anchor sway
To the rhythm of the tidal swell.
Waiting for another work day
Lobster boats at anchor sway.
Dancing on the surging bay
To the sound of a plaintive bell.
Lobster boats at anchor sway
To the rhythm of the tidal swell.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Wierdelf, here is a triolet a bit more true to form. It is a form I enjoy but it is a challenge with all the repetition. For that reason I find the quote from Paul Valery fits they especially well: "A poem is never finished, only abandoned." As is most often the case with me I'm wondering if I provoked an image.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Mass, USA

Favorite Poets: Adelaide Crapsey

Comments

Hi Bryan

This I think is what they call a work song. Like a shanty or a prison song set to break the monotony of work. There is some pretty imagery here. I just wish it was longer. Thats just me.

ThanX for sharing and I think Weirdelf will give you some better crit than this.

John

Thank you Dalton.

The form is set. 8 lines in 2 rhymes. The scheme is: ABaAabAB. The caps are identical lines. It is a fun form -give it a try sometime.

Love it!

You can feel the poem ...these are the poems I love!

hi bryan

triolets – I love them
but
‘Lobster boats at anchor sway ‘
and
‘Dancing on the surging bay’
each have only seven syllables

and
‘To the rhythm of the tidal swell’
has nine – I suggest you lose ‘the’ before ‘rhythm’

the meter is a bit off. triolets , as with the French forms need to be in meter... not just a syllable count

my suggestion
Lobster boats at anchor sway
to rhythms of the tidal swell
while waiting for the next work day
Lobster boats at anchor sway.
dancing on the surging bay
to sounding of a plaintive bell.
Lobster boats at anchor sway
to rhythms of the tidal swell.

excellent descriptive
and the choice of triolet for form emphasises for me the rocking motion of the sea...
love judy
xxx

Thanks judy

I did say this was closer to triolet. Many folks alter the form by changing the refrain lines slightly. It is also not unusual to break meter. In fact there is no set meter -other than it be uniform in the lines. I will look at your suggestions -and value your worthwhile comments. On this I was going for a natural rhythm rather than a forced meter. Thanks again for your time. It is obvious you are an great asset to neopoet.