Renting space in the back of my mind,
Twisting, turning, making me blind.
Moving me backward and forward in time,
with thoughts of hatred, blood and grime.
Ever so tedious, never just plain,
Eating my conscience again and again.
When will this lift, suspension begin
This constance of evil that's brewing within.
Last Few Words: can you feel it?
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
hi tommi
great rhythm
I love the opening lines
but just a couple of suggestions
‘Twisting, turning and making me blind’ (I’d lose the ‘and’ – put a comma after ‘turning - just to cut down on one of the many 'and's there’)
‘Eating my conscious again and again’ - do you mean ‘conscious’ ? or ‘consciousness’ or ‘conscience’
‘conscious’ seems odd to me – but it may just be me …
‘ This constance of evil thats brewing within’ - ‘constance’ – not a word (constancy of evil will work)
also that’s should be that’s – with an apostrophe..
and good rhyme
one spot
'When will this lift or simply suspend,
This constance of evil thats brewing within'
try something like?
'When will this lift, suspension begin
This constance of evil thats brewing within?'
I like the theme of this write
I think it could be developed further
love judy
xxx
ps - i'd suggest you edit the title for the moment, stating the workshop - more chance of people involved seeing it...
Thank you
Thank you so much judyanne. I will be using your suggestions as it is why i have chosen this piece as well. I decided to post the few that sounded good but felt wrong to see if it's me or an actual issue. It is hard to edit your own work biasly. However i must say you hit the nail right on the head and the changes you suggested will be as i said as you found the same spots irregular. Wonderful critique and i believe it is what Beau was hoping to inspire or at least in part.
Sincerly
Tommi
Done
Yes it does feel a lot better.
Thank you again Judyanne