Littleton’s son, Littleton’s son
His father loved to beat him
The poor kid was a bastard-child
Born of just a whim
Pokers of fire, glowing red
Were instruments of torture
Burning flesh and salty tears
On one so immature
Red Beard, Red Beard is so feared
No one knows he’s haunted
His daylight hours are dreadful
His nightmares keep him taunted
Stained cloak of dun, clutched closer still
Backyard grave is guarded well
Littleton’s son is buried there
In his father’s private Hell
Comments
Thanks Beau...
This was a hard one, until I looked at all the pieces. Then I put them back together as best I could with Freddy Kruger in mind. LOL. The sing-song little ditty [I can't remember the words that they used], was just the thing! You are right, I can imagine some little kids making up a rhyme like this as they skip rope. Thanks for your comments, ~ Gee
Good job Gee!
It's great how you left the heart of it in there.
Thanks!
Ron
i couldn't rest...
until I got it right. I knew that I had to get the whole story. I liked it very much and I wanted to do it justice. Glad you liked what I did. ~ Gee
Hello
People often pay for their wrongdoings by creating their own hell on earth. I think you're the first in this shop to use this particular pattern in a rewrite and it worls well here..................stan
Thanks Stan...
Glad I did it right. Looking forward to the next phase. ~ Gee
Hi Stan, just a note......
I think Gee did a wonderful job with my piece. Still I think my last quatrain is stong and blatantly an inspiration of Gee's:
In a frenzy, he smashed his door to run
he found naught outside, no stars, moon, or sun
Littleton screamed kneeling clutching his gun
Hell is first lonely, each made for just one
While surely not the most accurate critic of my work. I think the last quatrain kicks butt.
Ron
lol - i love the re-write gee
but i thought we were supposed to make our rewrites less ss
what a hoot
but really, you had no choice with ron's write - i don't think he could write ss if he tried (that's a compliment ron btw just in case you were wondering - i'm talking stan's version of what ss is for the purpose of this workshop)
anyway gee
i really love this write
but would you put ron's poem on here too so we can see it to compare?
love judy
xxx
Littleton by RW and rewrite by Geezer
Littleton's fun was to torture his son
The hearth fire roared but of heat there was none
space where old angers restore, cold, unwon
paths worn ancient scorn, past hurts redone
old manclutched his cloak of stained and worn dun
sweat poured small rivers, he could not outrun
grave in backyard guarded by Littleton
if death is pain's surcease he's just begun
pokers in fireplace, glowed red overdone
knew flesh cauterized meat slowly spun
until eyes grew film and life was undone
tearful and fearful all sanity shun
long red beard assures he's feared, not outdone
though daytimes are dreadfilled, his nightmares stun
waking hours haunted towers rerun
murder isn't easy when it's your son
In a frenzy, he smashed his door to run
he found naught outside, no stars, moon, or sun
Littleton screamed kneeling clutching his gun
Hell is first lonely, each made for just one
Rewrite
Littleton's son, Lttleton's son
His father loved to beat him
The poor kid was a bastard-child
Born of just a whim
Pokers of fire, glowing red
Were instruments of torture
Burning flesh and salty tears
On one so immature
Red Beard Redbeard is so feard
No one knows he's haunted
His daylight hours are dreadful
His nightmares keep him taunted
He smashes doors, outside he runs
Knees jellied and gun clenched in hand
No stars or moon or daylight
A lonely Hell, is where he'll stand
Stained cloak of dun, clutched closer still
Backyard grave is guarded well
Littleton's son is buried there
In his father's own private Hell
Since Ron was so upset that I deleted that verse, I decided
to write one to replace it. I stuck it in where I thought it should go.
~Geezer
Gee, you did an exemplary job!
I was never upset. My concept was that this man did something dire (killing his son) and found that he couldn't escape the hell he was in, though he'd been there for some time without knowing. I'm sorry if you thought I was pissed. Not at all. The reason I responded as I did was because of this quote:"Hello
Workshop critique: RHYME PATTERNS (part 1) let's begin
People often pay for their wrongdoings by creating their own hell on earth. I think you're the first in this shop to use this particular pattern in a rewrite and it worls well here..................stan"
My intent was to make it clear that the 'personal hell' was the climax to my original write. I never meant anything by it especially to you. I thought you treated my work with genuine respect and did a good job doing it.
Ron
BlueDemon77
I didn't...
think you were pissed, just a little upset that I left out that one verse. You are right, I tried hard to treat your work with respect. [Not that it didn't deserve it]. And I did try hard to do it justice. Thanks for the acknowledgement.~ Gee