The Lion wakes up in the morn,
and sits up in the cage.
The sheep rose up and put him there
to watch the old beast age.
They shut him in,
they shut him up,
they'll never let him out.
His cubs are lost
without his roar;
they fear the bleating sheep.
Last Few Words: Extended metaphor. It is very much the same as a metaphor used in poetry, only the metaphor is stretched for many lines, covering many aspects of any similarity. Usually, the extended metaphor is used throughout the poem.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
It's more like
a metaphor for popular revolts (think North Africa). I had in mind the images of the former Egyptian President behind bars.
Thanks for the comment, but did I get the extended metaphor right? In a way it seemed like an allusion.
That's some amazing input
That's some amazing input Beau. I agree that an allusion will help the poem. I'll think of how I can work it in.
i love it
because I could relate to each and everywhere. I could see that dictator there and was very happy to
Thanks Rula
Because metaphors can be very subjective, it's nice when someone can relate easily to your work and appreciate the devices therein.
Hi
I read this as the helplessness of any group when a strong leader is removed. Last stanza is exceptional.............stan
William
Well many reads and interpretations here on your write.
Which is complex as we never know the outcome. Who rules???
But let's face it if it wasn't for the lion then the sheep would bleat themselves to death in lethargy, and would probably end up with the whole humon race walking off the cliffs, after the lemming's have finished.
Yours Ian.T
I like the piece
but, technically, isn't fully extended metaphor actually allegory?
It is
but doesn't an allegory have to be tied to a particular story? The poem was not meant to relate directly to the events from which it draws inspiration.
Will that make it less of an allegory then?
i agree with jess
i think it is more allegory than extended metaphor
i love the piece however
it brought saddam hussein and his sons to my mind
if you wanted it to specifically refer it to egypt, perhaps add a small allusion to the sphinx or the pyramids?
- 'where the lion wears a human head
he wakes up in his cage' ??
or
‘where he sat at the top
of the pyramid of power’
love judy
xxx
Thanks
for the comment Judy. I did not want to tie it down to just Egypt, though that's where the gem of the poem came from.
I really thought of putting a reference to the Pyramids, or sand, to reflect Arab terrain.
I'm Baaack lol
Now for a detailed critique. I think leaving it without a reference to middle east would be best as that leaves it having a more universal meaning. In line 2 you might try : and sits up in his cage to better reflect the rhythm in line 4. I like the way that leaving lines 1 and 3 unrhyming adds to subtlety. Line 6..You could try they'll never let him out if you want to convey that he'll be caged from now on. line 9 ..If it were me I'd begin line with "for".
But this poem lends itself well to a reader's ability to interpret it a number of different ways and that's always a good thing..............stan
Your contributions
are very important. I've added some, and changed a bit more. In line 1, "morning" turns to "morn".
For your last suggestion, I replaced the comma with a semi-colon.
Thanks a lot. Your critique has been very helpful.
Interesting in a strange way
This feels like Mahler's 1st Symphony to me with the woodland animals carrying the dead hunter back to his home at the end. While I wonder why the lion lost his voice it makes me think how narrow are the interstices between the oppressors and the oppressed. William, I suppose it doesn't matter but if you have an idea, why did the lion lose its' roar?
Ron
I did not
give it much thought either. I just assumed that a caged lion should not be able to roar. Thinking more deeply about it, the roar of a lion is often a symbol of its power over other creatures, contrasted in the poem with the bleating of the sheep.
I guess the lion's roar (power) is taken from him when he is caged by the sheep. I think it works well with his cubs now fearing the bleating of those sheep.
Yes it does work.
There is no use in overcomplicating things that are already well defined.
Ron