scribbler

Jun 05, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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Description: This workshop’s goals are three fold.

The first will be to expose the participant to the wide array of rhyme types available to the poet beyond that known as “proper rhyme” (which will be described fully in the workshop’s first essay). Each day of the first two weeks I will introduce and describe one of the more esoteric rhyme types for discussion in preparation for part three.

The second will be to explain (and enforce within the confines of the workshop) the technical parameters involved with common rhyme. For the purposes of our exercise this most widely used of rhyme types will be referred to as “proper” though its names in English are manifold including, but not limited to: “authentic”, “classic”, “traditional”, “perfect” and more. Being the most used of all rhyme forms it is of course also the most abused and this workshop will attempt to clarify what makes a proper rhyme and what does not.

The third will be to construct a minimum of three short poems. The first poem will correctly utilize proper rhyme. The other two poems will employ two of the other rhyme types discussed in part one. To assure the participant is fully immersed in the challenge, the third rhyme type will be chosen for the poet by the workshop’s leader (that would be me).
An optional challenge (which would relieve the poet from producing multiple poems) will allow the poet to write a single poem using three types of rhyme within one piece. Although this sounds quite difficult (even revolutionary), it is quite common in the poetry of Pope, Dunne, Dryden, Shakespeare and Byron to name but a few.

Please remember to put Rhyme Crimes Workshop in the title when you post your submissions because they appear on the Stream, so that people critiquing can know the context of the poem.

Leader: Wesley Snow
Moderator(s): Stan Holliday/Judyanne

Objectives: The final objective is to leave the poet with a better understanding of the mechanics of rhyme, including the depth of variation in rhyme schemes and thereby be able to recognize when the “rules” are being broken and how an informed bending or breaking of these rules can add or detract from the poet’s work.

Level of expertise: Olympic Pool

Subject matter: Rhyme

This workshop is closed.

LIGHTNING BUGS (rhyme crime shop[internal rhyme])

We'd run for fun in the back yard
in guise of catching fireflies' glow
beneath the moon in early June
carefree as only kids can be

Bare toes too quick for mosquitos
to alight or much less bite upon
this time of year it would appear
memories of Memphis haunt the night

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

my interpretation

you have mostly proper ryme here stan

run / fun
guise / fireflies (weak - feminine ending)
moon /June
carefree / can be

toes / mosquitos (with toes / too as near, and a very clever quick / mosquit -os)
alight / bite
year / appear
then one near - memories / Memphis

love judy
xxx
ps - i like the write

Hi Judy

You have it dead on. I applied the KISS principal......Keep It Simple Stan but might submit another more complicated if my time permits...........stan

I was caught wanting the rhyme in Judy's line also.

But nevertheless it's a cool go.

Note to self for next workshop- if asking the poet to use something from a list, have the poet indicate what he/she chose in the title. Thanks. I'm learning.

I'm hoping that everyone is listening here, but I'll probably mention this sometime on the syllabus page. Stan, you used the internal rhyme to do precisely what I've always thought it should. With few exceptions, your rhymes are placed judiciously to speed up the lines.

beneath the moon in early June

this time of year it would appear

One of the verses that didn't work as well in that respect is-

bare toes too quick for mosquitoes

This is a marvelous example of to use internal line to benefit.

wesley

Hi Wes

Thanks. The toes mosquitos line I guess must be read with "poetic voice" to work right. And I thus consider it a failure because in my opinion a poem should sound right without having to resort to poetic voice...........stan

bare toes too quick for mosquitoes

i have to disagree with you wes
i think that trips over my tongue very happily
:)
love judy
xxx

I don't call it poetic voice,

I call it a mis-stressed rhyme, but I agree with you Stan, and it bugs me.

Hi Jess

What ever one labels it, it often gives me fits. My mind hears the cadence it wants instead of what's actually there. I seem to catch the stumbles in others' works more easily than my own because I have no preconceived notion of what the poem "should" sound like . Hence as I've said before, I'm a poor judge of my own poetry.........stan

cadence is a word that has been coming to my mind

a lot in reading and critiquing lately.
I think we are starting to understand each other better.

I tend to agree with some of the previous crits that internal rhymes work better if half or partial rhymes, which leads to the whole world of assonance and consonance.

hi

I guess I figured if I was going to the trouble to rhyme I wanted the rhymes to be obvious (especially for a shop). I expect I've been doing a lot of internal rhyming without being aware of it.............stan