I once had wings that soared on winds up high
above all trees and gravity bound feet,
there intimate my soul embraced the sky,
and felt the kiss of love where freedom’s sweet;
I moved, I soared, on gentleness of air,
with heart that worshiped beauty as its art:
to know of substance, and in knowing share,
and be as one with rhythms of the heart;
but lost the spirit to clay hands, clay feet,
the light above now dulled by chill of land,
the warmth of heart now shackled in concrete…
when higher love had forced no harsh command.
Comments
This is a universal
This is a universal experience and one worth writing about
What concerns me a s writer though is your poems un-veering logic. In other words this to me is a poem of disambiguated predictability, like an old tune. I wish you to consider writing more passed the first take using towards a more a novel approach. Perhaps exploiting linguistic texture, metaphor Consider the need to surprise, enchant instead of merely pointing to pre-birth consciousness and the concrete feet of clay; an arcane axiom
Perhaps a useful example I found:
"where the dead
are not dead at all
but enchanted children
living
with faces like suns
on the other-side of the looking glass
feet to the stars
flying in the arms of heaven"
Best Z
It wouldn't have rhymed...
if you wrote like Z suggested! I like the theme, I like the rhyme and the rhythm isn't bad either. I am one of those who believes that when you write something that stirs another soul, you can be proud.
Sometimes, having the ability to make associations of ideas and get them across to the reader, is more important than being "Avant Garde". I'm sure that you will find your way by looking at the work of all the poets here and will incorporate the parts that you need when you need them. Nice work, ~ Geezer.
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Hello, Zebra
Hello, Zebra
in this poem un-veering Logic is what I am going for. The idea is to enlist an emotion, direct and to the core.
I do not consider an old tune to be a bad thing. Poets are always giving their versions of old tunes.
Your example is very stylistic, but for me it loses too much clarity.
Thanks Geezer,
Thanks Geezer,
I found your comments very insightful.
"sometimes having the ability to make associations of ideas and get them across to the reader, is more important"
And this I find complimentary, because that was my endeavor.