Should your eyes behold another
my heart would break
Into infinitesimal fractions.
Shards of emotion would scar
my inner turmoil, pulling
me apart
Lacerated physicality, contorting.
Descent into the abyss,
the very root of my mentality.
A maelstrom of insanity.
Your love has devoured me,
left me flailing , out of control.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Comments
Title
Ignore the title I have tried to correct it but it won't save.
So I'll try to correct it again later.
Lou
Hello Lou!!!!
Imagery drew me in, packed full of loves emotion, "emotion scaring the inner turmoil".
Really really good poem
Well done Lou.
Love Mand xxxxxx
Hi Mand
it's so nice to here from everyone again.
Thank you
Love Lou xx
Shirley
Thanks mate
love lou
hi
thanks
lou xx
your etes?
i guess you mean "your eyes"..right? but great write by the way..keep it up..
Title
I left a comment explaining the new site won't let me edit the title
lou
Lou,
Lou,
Well written raw and honest view of what might be if the roving eye of a lover was distracted by another. These words are balanced on a razor's edge with coherency from beginning to end, and I agree with Jayne about the word 'But' in the last line.
Powerhouse of a work~! All lovers can relate to this one.
Victor
Victor
Thank you , I will remove but.
lou
wonderful lou
the last line made me laugh
great write lou - i really felt the passion and emotion and out of control feeling (up to the last line that is .... smile)
i think 'your eyes' for the title is a little tame.... but sorry - i have no constructive suggestions....
maybe 'captivity' ..... ???
one other tiny thing...
'Decent into the abyss' - (descent?)
awesome read lou
love
judy
xxxx
Judy
I'm a little put out that you laughed at the last line,
Thank you anyway
Lou
not in an 'i think it's stupid or funny' way laugh
more a cynical and appreciative laugh lou
i thought it was an excellent finish
love judy
xxxxx
No worries
I've cut the last verse altogether, I think the poem is better now.
Love Lou xx
lou!!
why did you remove the last line?
i really thought it 'made' the poem..... truly - the laugh was a good one, you know, the shoulder-shrug-yes-that's-how-things-are-type smile of acceptance.....
also - love the title change
love judy
xxxx
Judy
I didn't really like the last line, it didn't fit.
I think the title is better.
Thanks jude.
Love Lou x
lou
Lou,
powerful imagery, expertly painted.
HS
HS
I'm glad that you liked it
Lou