Each choice is not one
no fault remains undone
parting branches of each path taken
are really just this one now
diverging endlessly to a fine lace of possibilties
wrongness is right, elsewhen
nothing can be wrong, or then
but to skip across the streams of time,
to the ones I want
In this way is time truly undone,
destiny dismayed,
its hold diswayed.
Last Few Words: My intent was to write something with the air of profundity, yet accessible. There are different theories of time incorporated here. To enhance readability and memorability I have use a little informal rhyme and internal rhyme, but above, brevity.
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Of course!
to say much in few words is something important and I think so far you've succeeded in achieving this here.
I loved the music in the title and very much loved the choice of the words and the metaphor in laced destines.
I too can read that you have a few dreams that you've planned to or dreamt to do many things but time is still in your side, how true is my guess i am not sure though :)
One little thing the word 'diswayed' gave me a little hard time as I couldn't find in the dictionary a typo is there perhaps, but I do suspect it
thanks Rula, I'm glad uou appreciated it.
You caught me red-handed though!
I made up the word diswayed, it's supposed to mean sort of un-persuaded or dissuaded, but with the extra dimension of a new direction. Maybe I should stick with dissuaded. Any other suggestions?
Jess
New words indeed I have enough of the USA pronouncing our words and dropping letters Grey to Gray who ever would believe it.
Esker is the tops in this one..
Loved the piece but you should by now know where you are going or the probability of same.
Great to see you writing Poetry, Yours Ian.T
ta Ian,
the more I know the less certain I get.
multiple universes
and to be able to live in the one that has perfection eh? .. oh i too dream of this jess
some suggestions
‘there is no fault remains undone’ (do you need ‘there is’?)
‘are really just this one now’ (’one used in first line – is the repetition on purpose – if so, it isn’t effective for me)
‘its hold diswayed’ (what about dis-swayed’?)
favourite lines
‘but to skip across the streams of time,
to the ones I want’ (great imagery)
and
‘diverging endlessly to a fine lace of possibilities’ (love the metaphor)
and yes - memorable - especially the above lines
but i have a problem with the title - especially when you use the word 'undone' again, so close to the beginning of the poem - it makes me stop and lose concentration for a second...
i think i would just like 'laced destinies'
love judy
xxx
superb suggestions as usual,
mostly taken
many thanks
diverging endlessly to a fine
diverging endlessly to a fine lace of possibilties
...............................................................................
but to skip across the streams of time,
to the ones I want
I rarely comment, Jess. And I am not sure if you need to belong to Workshop to do. The lines quoted are thr "halo" that lighrs all the others poetic. Just enough imagery. I lke how you are writing. This was wonderful .
Only suggestion is to change last verse :dismayed/diswayed..I think something with more impact to the senses, yes?
Joe
thanks Joe, yes all are welcome to comment in workshops,
that's why they appear on the Stream. The only drawback can be when people write pieces to demanding conditions designed to improve craft rather than produce fine poetry. Then there can be misunderstandings.
Thanks for the feedback. Still pondering those last two lines, especially with the made-up word. But I think I rather like it and might dig my heels in on that one.
Hi Jess
The old time paradox eh? One theory even says though time travel is allowed it can only be done forward , not backward. But you appear to be talking more about the multiuniverse view wherein each choice leads to a different reality. In that view maybe change fault to possibility in line 2...............stan
I'm a big Doctor Who fan
and a Douglas Adams fan and have read into the science of time and cosmology, so I am familiar with most of the paradoxes. Just consider the grammar problems "I will be having been done that"
No, line two is more about the philosophical aspects, choices made. I'm glad this was perceived at multiple levels. I pat myself on the back for it as part of this workshop.
i would like to offer some more crits / suggestions
I’ve come back, as one does, to read other’s comments, and have enjoyed the re-reads of the poem jess
but
‘to skip across the streams of time,
to the ones I want’
bothers me a bit each read
- I think it is because you have used the word ‘one' for the third time to refer to the same thing (and as my first comment said – it annoyed me at the second ‘one’ - lol)
actually, on re-looking at that line with the second ‘one’ jess
‘are really just this one now’
do you really need it?
why not remove it altogether? – imo it doesn’t really follow the logic of the surrounding lines (I may be wrong of course and you may be saying something I am missing)
but maybe
‘Each choice is not one
no fault remains undone
parting branches of each path taken
diverge endlessly to a fine lace of possibilties
wrongness is right, elsewhen
nothing can be wrong, or then’
and as for
but
‘to skip across the streams of time,
to the ones I want’
can i suggest something like
‘but to skip across the streams of time,
choose the moments I want’
love judy
xxx
You are the best! But it's baby or bathwater time
if I accepted all these suggestions it would undoubtedly be a superior poem at a prosodic level, but it would lose some of the subtleties of the meanings of the word 'one' for example, and the spirit of halting meter that originally informed it (I had been reading a lot of GM Hopkins at the time and was in revolt) and were intentionally a reflection on the passage of time (I had also been reading "Pip Pip: A Sideways Look at Time" by Jay Griffiths, a feminist perspective on time, highly recommended).
I can't thank you enough for your time and thought, but this one feels finished to me, even with the cheekily coined last word,