raj

Feb 10, 2015

This poem is part of the contest:

February 2015 contest

(Read More...)

Keyless Door (Feb Contest)

the door I entered from
and by which I'll eventually leave
is destiny,
in between, I live
verily

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Raj

be couragous enough and enter February's contest.
This is beautifully succinct.

Rula

Thanks for your appreciative words. Contest? It's not a matter of courage like it is with the Sonnets :)

Not sure if this one fits into the norms set for the February contest. Yet, I will post it there too, no harm doing it..

Regards,

Hi raj

This fits the requirements of the contest well and one thing the judge will likely appreciate is its brevity lol........Thanks for entering..stan

Hi Stan

Thanks for the peek and your encouraging beep.

Regards,

you have laid all other doors bare
with or without keys
as destiny is the biggest door ever
open all over
you win the keys
so keep it
tis your destiny ..
hopefully Stan will influence the judge
may be
i stand no chance
before/in front of
thee
raj you have proved to sublime be
unlike me

Hi Lovedly

Thanks for your kind words.

Regards,

you only thank me

but why do you
never teach me?
its cold here minus 30 may be
winds chilly
how is your
Juhu/Marine beach

:)

Love this Raj - brief, succinct and concise. I hope all goes well in the contest. :)

Love Mand xxx

Thanks Mandy

Good to know that it made you smile.

Much love...

awesome write Raj

i love it
love judy
xxx

Hi Judyanne

your comment is like tonic...many thanks ..

Regards,

forgot- best of luck in the contest

One tiny suggestion
Tense - 'and would eventually leave' ... do you think 'will' fits better?
xxx

Thanks Judyanne

for your good wishes. Hope lady luck looks at this poem :)

as for your suggestion, i was actually alternating between "will" and "would" and while reading aloud I thought would sounded better...so too i was alternating between juggling the words in the line "and would eventually leave" and "and would leave eventually" nut settled for the former...what do you think about that jugglery?

Regards,

for grammar

I think you need 'will'

As for the syntax -
'and will eventually leave' needs a 'by' or 'through'
'and which I will eventually leave by (through)
'and which I would leave by (through), eventually' - will need a comma

or - 'and by (through) which I will eventually leave'
'and by (through) which I'll leave, eventually'

I'm inclined to think the two second are better grammar - both ways sound fine to me, but I think, if it was me, I'd use the first, to avoid the necessary pause after the comma... to my ear it upsets the rhythm just a tiny tad

And I'd make 'I will' --- ' I'll' - for the rhythm...
'and by which I'll eventually leave'
xxx

Judyanne

thanks for your time and suggestions,...you certainly got me thinking..will let the two options roll over my tongue for now...

Regards,

on retrospect

and reading again
i think i prefer
'and by which Í will leave, eventually'
it seems to my ear to fit the rhyme and rhythm the better
xxx

Judyanne

I can't thank you enough for providing your valuable tips and suggestions like the one you have given now...

however, I would like this piece to be as brief as possible,,,so although I am accepting your suggestion to change "would" to "will" as valid and implementing it, i believe "by which"..is the implied meaning which need not be mentioned...that way it would keep the line shorter..isn't it so?

Regards,

if you have it as you want

it can sound as if you will leave the door - walk away from it - not necessarily pass through it again... just my interpretation
I wouldn't be worried about the length - it's only two more words

Put 'eventually' on a line of it's own if you like
'and by which I'll leave
eventually'

Just my opinion - but, it is your write, your decision

Love judy
xxx

Judyanne

hmmmmmm...i get your point now...it had not occurred to me that without adding "by which" it could be conceived as walking away from the door....so I have added those two words and instead of I will used I'll....makes sense now...

thanks big bunches xxxx.

raj

A simple shout that you are here and crafted well in so few words.
Great !!!!!!!
Yours Ian.