July 2023 Challenge Describe a Sunday morning 🏆 Winner

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Just Another Sunday Lie In.

Ah! Sunday morning
I lay late in bed
A cold winter blows
Summer lies dead.

I roll on my side
Feel her warm body there
Soft as lambs fleece
Long golden hair.

To gently caress her
Slow rouse her from sleep
Let fingers trace patterns
From face to her feet.

Puff into her shell like
Kiss satin smooth throat
Move down to her breasts
She outs a small troat.

Now she awakens
Turns languidly o'er
Voice husky with passion
'Your turn to make the coffee'.

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Isle of Wight United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: Poe

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Comments

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem effectively uses descriptive language to create a vivid and intimate scene. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the transition between the first and second stanzas is abrupt. The first stanza sets a scene of a cold winter morning, while the second stanza suddenly introduces a second person in bed. It would be beneficial to add a transitional line or two to smoothly shift from the solitary winter scene to the intimate setting.

Secondly, the phrase "She outs a small troat" in the fourth stanza appears to contain a typographical error. If "troat" is intended to be "throat", the sentence doesn't make sense in the current context. If it's meant to be "trot", it seems out of place in the intimate setting. Clarifying this line would enhance the overall coherence of the poem.

Lastly, the final line of the poem introduces a humorous twist. While humor can be an effective tool in poetry, it's important to ensure that it fits with the overall tone and theme of the poem. In this case, the humor seems to be at odds with the sensual and intimate tone set in the previous stanzas. If humor is a key element of the poem, it would be beneficial to introduce it earlier or weave it more subtly throughout the poem to prepare the reader for the final punchline.

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A Sunday Morning

A few comments. The humour is meant to be at odds with the rest, any clues or hints would ruin the punchline that is supposed to demonstrate that a female may consider an early coffee preferably to sex. The idea came from a female acquaintance would told my wife that she often thought about redecorating the bedroom while her husband indulged himself.
I'll look at the transition between the first two stanzas.
TROAT is not a typo. Troat - a sound used especially of animals at rutting time.

Well...

don't start without me, I'll be right back! Great job, I like the twist at the end. ~ Geez.
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Sunday Morning

Thanks Geez. Alex

Interesting and I have

Interesting and I have learned something new, thank you Alex, troat.
I enjoyed it. I enjoyed your choice of words and descriptions of the scene. It built nicely into a great tale, it flowed well and the punchline was great. Who wouldn't want coffee in bed before anything else? Ruby :)