Joey was a private eye.
His gun was black as coal
and everywhere that Joey went
the gun would seek a soul.
He dropped a man the other day.
He does this quite a lot.
Just self defense was all he’d say
while stuffing graveyard plots.
Couldn’t help himself he’d say
and then another one,
but he was savvy, Joey’s way
and he’ll be never done.
Last Few Words: Very few metaphors as I thought would happen. I write very "concrete" poetry. What is as opposed to something that sounds like what is.
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I too
am not satisfied with the metaphor in this piece. I know you can do better if you have more time sir.
Wesley
It seems that you use less metaphors in your normal writes,
Now when they are required there is a shortage of them.
I use words and colour things with all shades, you will have to let us know which is the correct way of poetry.
I prefer the one with Many Metaphors as there in the extra words are the subtle shades that artists put on their paintings.
I remember going into the art gallery of Ottawa and on the wall was a series of canvases all with just one colour on, well this is like metaphors you have to put your own colours in there.
I was shown an art Gallery once that was futuristic I thought, there were frames on the walls and just a title at the bottom, and as I read the title there on the blank canvass a picture emerged, it was as the artist would tell me what they were trying to show me.
Too much ! the mind boggled but it was a beauty beyond words.
Our poetry needs those canvasses, we have to leave a thought there, that gives each one that sees, the experience, of what we are trying to put over to the reader.
Maybe you need a good Thesaurus, have you tried "Rogets International Edition".
Enough Ian it is late!
Thanks again for your visit, Yours as always Ian..
I would give much to write in metaphors,
but it's not how I think. I write stories and clarity is paramount and so... "concrete" poetry as opposed to "lyric" poetry.
I wish I could write more lyrically, but it almost seems beyond me. Flashes of brilliance, then nothing for a long time.
I added a couple, but it doesn't meet with the standards of this workshop and I'm the first to say so... actually Rula was first, but you get the picture.