bjucks

Mar 17, 2018

Irish times

who's to say how long it takes
before what's lost will be found
before I enter nomads vast orbit
high above, greeted by stormy clouds

travellers adventure across land and sea
binding earthly wings to tree of life
grown near meadow
blessed with Irish heather
enchantment whisps it's way into Celtic heart

expectations of lasting peace and joy
can thrash and wether even angels wings
roots of doubt and shame will grow
fed into by fleeting moments of no control

one drop, two drops, three drops of whiskey
just enough to make me miss me
whiskey comforts, after all is said and done
a wee drop to tantalize Gaelic tounge

now I see, my heart is complex
beating to the sound of love and laughter
unraveling to the realities of tomorrow
held together by the gift of strength

a fairytale cusped by the hands of time
waiting for the arrival of the unlucky one
who was ment for an everlasting shine
courage for now, courage for always...

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: British Columbia, Canada

Favorite Poets: William Butler Yeats

Comments

a nice poem

with some well spoken words. Parts of it, the last stanza, would make an outstanding song. There are other strong aspects of lyrics in the poem . I could imagine this to music

one drop, two drops, three drops of whiskey
just enough to make me miss me

I just might consider the the wings which became "broken" ...it seems as if your are still able to fly with them and might clarify this point.

Hope you had a good St Pats day!

Thank you!

Thank you!
Funny you say that, a coworker said the same thing about pairing it with music.
The broken wings I intended to use as a metaphor for the soul which is feeling defeated/broken. But still aable to muster enough strength to find the way home. Would you suggest adding the clairfication into the poem after the few lines? Poetry is still new to me and i appreciate any helpful guidance :)

My saint pats day was excellent and unwinding.
Hope yours was too

Bjuks

We fly without wings, your write is very good.
Lyrics for a song a true Irish trend.
A new write along the same lines as a song lyric would be great to read.
I am sure there are too many bleeding hearts in there but it is good..
Take care, Yours Ian..
PS:- St Patricks day is a beautiful memory day for me but it is a long story that goes on for Forty years...

Are you an angel?

a down in the dirt people loving angel with a fondness for a wee drop?

That's what this poem says to me.

sorry, bjucks, poetry is so subfuckingjective

when I read it again today it broke my heart.

The line
just enough to make me miss me
is pure treasure.

Normally I have nothing to say after one of Eumolpus' superb critiques but this time I think he was a tad harsh. This poem has great depth, beauty and sadness, yes, it is very Irish.

Tell me what you know about meter. That is where it needs the little bit of work to turn it into a major piece.

Understandably. Damn art

Theres guide lines you have to stay within (like meter) and overall consistently to keep your reader engaged. Meter is still a bit confusing to me, I'll PM you what I understand about it.

And thanks Jess.
I wrote this in Ireland in 2017. Was having anxiety come on like a fucking race horse, and feeling a little home sick.
But I was also surrounded by so much beauty. So bittersweet to think back on.

For a starters read some poetry with strong meter

Longfellow's The Song of Hiawatha is a great example.
The idea is to get the sounds of the various meters into your head so they are not a chore or guideline, but a river for your words to flow on.

That's where most poet's get it wrong, they think it is a cage or restraint whereas it is the opposite.

Just as some people are tone deaf to music some people are meter deaf. Read meter rich poetry aloud to hear if you can feel it. There are many poems read aloud on our Neopoet SoundCloud page and I would be happy to upload any of yours if you record them as mp3 or I can read them myself, sometimes a different voice (with an Aussie accent) lends a different perspective.

Okie doke

What type of meter is longfellow's under? Imabic? Troche?
I will definitely give it a read out loud and a few more times silently. Thanks for the suggestion!
Will be editing this piece more over the next couple weeks.

Haha good to know. I did enjoy your reading of it in your thick accent. :)

P.s: Do you guys use the metric system in Australia?
Lol I could just Google it but I got you right here to ask.

Kind Regards,
Bjucks

ah buggrit, only took a minute

Here is my reading of your work.
Hope it helps.
https://soundcloud.com/neopoet/irish-times-by-bjucks

Meter is based on English English

It varies slightly with accents. The worst are Southern States Americans, because of the French influence, they use long and short vowels instead of stressed and unstressed.
It's late and I'm tired so this might sound a bit snippy so don't take it personally but do some of your own research, ok?

You got a gift man. Like the metaphor I used before, just want to help you flow with the river of words. It makes poetry easier, not harder.