Nevel
Apr 29, 2011

Inside the mouth of relativity

I.
brittle elegy's seedlings, the night swings
its petticoat leg,
while small birds
(still spinning dinosaur's songs)
flying like poetic wounds
inside deepenst evolution's mouth;
what kind of disease will feed your hunger now?

II.
I distill the colours of distant stars,
inside a grain of sand; plastic hands
carry the smoke of cruelty
(with its new feathers)
with money-smiles
and unholy holiness
maintaining the balance
of mediocrity and sad eyes;

III.
milking backyard
and crown the poor;
the earth will choke
in her desire to glow.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: The poem might appear too abstract, too many metaphors and in general not easy accessable. The phrasing can also be improved. Feel free to say your thoughts about that, open for constructive critique.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Veenendaal in The Netherlands, NLD

Favorite Poets: T.S.Eliot

More from this author

Comments

Roscoe Lane

I like this, I read this in the morning but had to hurry away. I made a mental note to return, and i'm glad i did. This is a poem that makes people think, i can't say i get all of it but some i understand. I assume you are new, if so a heartfelt welcome to neopoet. I will certainly read this again and comment further. Regards Roscoe..

N

hi Roscoe thanks for the welcome. I'm new here and still seaching my way through the site. I'm glad you liked it, since this poem bothers me alot and I feel it could use more clearity, rather than dense imagery. Thanks again and I will visit your poetry soon.
Regards, Erwin

N

Thank you for your imput. Indeed I'm new here and still searching my way through the site.
Do I understand it correctly that this poem is too worse to receive real critiques?
Greetings, Erwin

N

Nevel

13 years 12 months ago

Thanks Ian, you're totally right. If others don't understand my poetry, I'm to blame. I shall narrow down the too heavy metaphors and substitute then by more contemporary simple earthly words....
with greetings, Erwin

weirdelf

and it is well worth working on.

Please be very careful when editing not to lose your original vision "throwing the baby out with the bathwater", just clarify a little.

This could be a truly splendid poem.