Won’t someone flip
The light switch
In this dark room
Time to leave my manners
In the same closet
That a politician hides truths
My smile was the cripple
That threw his crutches
And fell on the concrete
'Till he could walk again
Pity was a prostitute
That left before
Daybreak
I'm swinging fists at misery
'Till she loses consciousness
I grew sick to my stomach
Of that bitch’s nagging
I expected much more
From a society
That left me bleeding
on the pavement
This time I speak
For the countless times
I was muted by weakness
Right about now
I tell my adversaries
To fuck off
Comments
Paul!
I hope this attempt at a vitriolic attack on life, has brought you some relief! I know that 'mad-dog' is hard to shake off.
I agree with Beau's erudite critique and throw in one or two minor comments.
Liked these lines from the 4th stanza the most -
"Pity was like a prostitute
That left before
Daybreak"
but I would like to see the first line changed from a simile to a metaphor. Also put in some descriptive adjectives, to depict stealth and lack of gratitude. Make it more colourful, in other words.
"Am, I expecting to much
From a society
That demands even more
From me "
The fact that this is a given, negates it's impact. I would look at changing the wording here to make it less rhetorical and more decisive. If you choose to keep it as it is - check the typo on TOO much.
As Beau said, the essence of the piece is universal. Bring in some more anger and rage against the reality by using more descriptive adjectives.
That's my sixpence!
Regards
Between Beau and Boni pretty much all has been said
although I can't believe two such erudite critics missed
stanza 6
Am I expecting to much [too]
this is the first time for me your anthropomorphic personifications have really worked. And I applaud the fuck you attitude. You need more of it.
my kind o' stuff
S 6 n 8 are the punches while S 7 makes a perfect build up. i agree on the title but only a little. i thought the word 'bulb' was a great suggestion to play with, not much to add that's alerady been said. i didn't really catch any cliches myself so at least the cliches you used were rare ones.
hell of piece, here.
Some outstanding lines, (note
Some outstanding lines, (note my line envy!) Paul. You're developing a clear and unique voice. Well done!
How about this title: *Switching prostitutes in the middle of a good fuck*? Too much? Not enough? lol.
~Anna
finally!
someone figured out how to say it! everyone gets that feeling they can't describe, and he's done it. nice personification of misery, and a strong ending-nothing else like it!
wow dude! You've found your audience!
http://new.neopoet.com/comment/55553#comment-55553
And don't think there isn't a slight crit from me in there. If someone called emogothgirl is your biggest fan. Have you thought about writing something funny as I suggested?
I've given you heaps about you nick, emogothgirl
but this wasn't personal, it was a dig at Paul
meh
i'm in highschool. it's alright. but babybats?
oh, i do love new vocabulary
well then, i see i have been-in the slang of my gaming friends-owned. fifteen. quite the number, huh? okay, i'm a babybat. except i dress normal now. darn you hand me downs!!! glad to be under your webbed wing, anyways.
Paul
Yeah, your timing last night was impeccable...as Beau said. Drop off a gem like this, and it's bedtime!! But... better late than never, so without further ado:
Definitely agree with the suggestions about steering clear of cliches. I love the energy and emotion that this write holds. Stanza 7 - I would love to see similar wording that really brings across the oppression. You're angry. You're defiant. Grab the reader by the balls and show them that! Bring across that fire that was starting to show itself in the beginning and in closing.
Very different write, for you, Paul... and, while I'm sorry about the circumstances that warranted this, it brought out an outstanding piece. Always look for that silver lining in the cloud - no matter how hard she may hide