Out there
In the fields
When farmer’s hoe
Labours into harvest
Which roots were separated from the seeds?
Out there
In the seas
Where fish and man commune
In boiling pots for excrement
What conferences of greedy eating mouths?
Out there
In life
Here and far beyond
When breathe has stopped.
What have we left to show that men were once here?
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Well written
but lacks internal logic
Which roots were separated from the seeds?
In boiling pots for excrement [did you really mean the word excrement? It means shit]
The last stanza lacks a reason for the end of life. Overfishing perhaps?