Mikeus Aurelius
Dec 05, 2012

I Write Tonight

I write tonight
With tears on my face
For I'm alone again
Unwanted in this place

Plenty of faces to see
But none that looks back
My hearts red color
Is now fading to black

Wrinkling seas of thought
Flowing down to my lips
Like rivers banks
Holding oceans hips

Have shown my last moon
For when I awake
The sun shining bright
Will seem so fake

I have no fuel for my fire
My life has lost it's spark
Numbed feelings and a shaded soul
Left me laying in the dark

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Almost ready to publish and just trying to get some feedback on some of my work!... Thanks guys!

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: NY

Favorite Poets: Shakespeare

More from this author

Comments

themoonman

Welcome to Neopoet. Since you've asked for raw truth,
and I can only offer mine, here goes;
Your poem describes a pretty much universal loneliness,
and a subject we all write about. You've selected "free verse"
but your poem rhymes and you seem to have been trying to
follow a pattern or meter in most of it. The meter could be
improved upon thereby making this a better poem.

some suggestions;
but none that looks back, but none that look back
My hearts red color, heart's (proper punctuation
can help the reader not stop to figure out if you
mean hearts as in more than one or heart's as in
possessive.
Holding oceans hips; ocean's and what in the world
are ocean's hips?
Needs a stronger ending in my opinion.

again, welcome to Neopoet

Richard

M

Thanks for your opinion!!! im not too sure what free verse is honestly i just write and whatever comes out comes out so forgive me again... ill make sure to fix those grammatical errors not to confuse people... rivers flow into oceans as in one is connected to the other and when one dances or holds on to the other the hand is placed on the hip

weirdelf

listen to Richard, he gives good feedback.

But honestly, this is self indulgent maudlin.

Try writing about what is really bad, what affects you, what is wrong with the world, how to fix it, not just about yourself.

I don't know how old you are, you don't say much on your profile, but this sounds like a 15 year old emo.

M

For your information weirdelf im 24, not in any way emo, and if i needed advice on what to write about i wouldnt be writing period. I asked for an opinion on my work not for you to tell me what to write about. So stick to deciding on what to write for yourself not for other people. Cheers, Thanks anyway

weirdelf

I write tonight
With tears on my face
For I'm alone again
Unwanted in this place [honestly,very emo and self-indulgent intro]

Plenty of faces to see
But none that looks back [look]
My hearts red color
Is now fading to black [cliche]

Wrinkling seas of thought
Flowing down to my lips
Like rivers banks
Holding oceans hips [good until 'hips'. A river banks holding an ocean's (sic) hips? Oh come on!]

Have shown my last moon
For when I awake
The sun shining bright
Will seem so fake [ok!]

I have no fuel for my fire
My life has lost it's spark
Numbed feelings and a shaded soul
Left me laying in the dark [my feelings exactly and perhaps I was so harsh in my first comment, but take take heed of this second set, they are genuine critique.]