I shaved my head and beard today
but it didn’t take away
the feeling I had crawled
recently from a dumpster,
although I felt meaner.
And a little colder.
the sun is going down,
the wine is running red,
I'm feeling awake,
someone else might soon be dead.
Meaner and colder
is fine by me
a life lived in lead
is the final dread.
Comments
This is where a 'Workspace' would be useful
http://www.neopoet.com/idea/your-own-workspace-neopoet
jess
interesting write
i personally would totally cull
‘someone else might soon be dead.
… dead and well fed,
going to bed’
also I would lose ‘suckers’
then I would think this write awesome
love judy
xxx
agreed, edit the forced rhyme part
but just find another way to say suckers
ta
in what context
are you using 'suckers' ?
'humbug' or 'twits /fools' ?
xxx
the people
dead and well fed,
going to bed,
waking with dread,
life set in lead,
are the suckers, fools, not living at all, company people, consumerists, think anyone not living a life of self determination and thought, madness and excess.
lol
then what do you think of 'pigeons' ?
xxx
flying rats
what else?
Jess
To see you sitting there on a toadstool with your bare head and no beard it really is a terrifying thing, this makes a change for you to go on the Dark side LOL.
I notice that you have started a line with "And" this always seems to be an extra, even on this one it can be dropped, but what or how does it affect the poem...Liked the terrifying thoughts you put there though..
I have answered your "Workspace" Idea but can't see where the answer went..
My Son made one of these for me where I am putting all my work on at the moment and those that I wish to be seen are there about 1600 pieces that are being seen by the public, the others, are in as you say draft mode for me to work on, it is a great Idea, hope others ask for it..
Great to see that you are on top line you take things easy as you are responsible for YOU, Yours Ian.T
ta, Ian,
your answer went into the personal workspace suggestion, I just saw it there
Jess
I notice that you have started a line with "And" this always seems to be an extra, even on this one it can be dropped, but what or how does it affect the poem...
I try not to do this but is it acceptable in the run of things ??????????
Yours Ian
this 'and'
was carefully chosen and used. Read the poem without it, quite different, yes?
Have read
with the And in there it sounds gentler without the cold is more severe,
Then this is just a choice not a grammar thing, and acceptable.
Thanks for your time , Yours Ian
Hello
I am sorry, seems I have missed the message behind . Any clues I would really be grateful...
is it clearer,
now?
It's basically about excessive life choices and feelings, or the lack thereof.
Thanks you jess
for the clarification .I can hardly notice any difference. Have you done any
editing? If yes,I should believe that either you are
so dark in your writing or I have a problem in interpreting due
to different cultural backgrounds or probably for BOTH :-)
Don't worry , I am sure it is only me..
here's a hint for any poem on Neopoet
If you look above the title you will see a tab called 'Revisions'. If you click on that you can track the progress of the poem through its various revisions.
I'm sorry you find this darkly obscure. It is dark for sure, but to put it another way it's about feeling anything at all under depression and comparing that to other people's lives that seem depressingly ordinary, it seems to me sometimes living in a dumpster would be better.
Thanks again
that helps indeed..I'll have a look there and see. This interpretation was
really the first thing I got when I read it the first time and that's why I decided to post my little rant~*~clean?~*~ which might not 100% related but still have something in common..I believe,
I wanted to show how can positive attitude sweep away that sense of depression if that makes any sense .
When someone has a serotonin imbalance
in the very neurochemistry of their brain suggesting having a "positive attitude" is like telling a paraplegic to just keep walking. There are lots of things to do besides medication but just suggesting to have a positive attitude betrays a deep ignorance of the condition.
The other side of the poem is that even depression is better than ordinary. I think I'll leave this one for a while, maybe try another tack.
most guys will get off their rocker
trying to understand
the hidden meaning
cloaked in this immensely
wonderful poem
even I Sir
Onya mate!
And spot on.
What do you think now?
hi jess
i really like the edit
with
'Meaner and colder
is fine by me
It's too easy to moulder.
a life lived in lead
is the final dread.'
??
- too much rhyme still - moulder seems forced (imho of course :) )
I'd turn to mould.
in a life lived in lead
that's what I dread.'
love judy
xxx
you're quite right
and I've deleted that line, but still not real happy with the poem.
I might put this one in the 'experiments' pile.
Im going to write too soon about my armpits
because Elf I too once shaved my head
would be like writing poetry with a list of words
not to use
how would that change it
Or write in another personality entirety
when the most weirdest thing to do sometimes
is to just change!!1
amaing
thank You