I Recall

I recall a time when communication was as easy
As rain falling, innumerable thoughts condensing
as droplets from eaves

And then evaporating as they should
Without the need to record the feat
Of embracing gravity

A Bakelite phone clinging to the wall
with umbilical longing

The cable extending to the son that would
ring them all, eventually

On an unadulterated, innocent line
of no interest to the state at all

Save the sanity of his Mother,
slaking her thirst on his news

None of which should interest a back room boy
black suited and tied to his role: impunity

Feeding his collated drips to an unflinching
mechanical dog, who lapped it up obediently

Then stole away, the truth imbibed

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Tasmania,Australia,Earth,Solar Systems,Milky way,Pint of Guniess, AUS

Favorite Poets: Glen Richards

Comments

Streaming and comments

Speak
There is a revision block at the top of the stream entry I myself haven't as yet used it but if you want to revise your works I think you can use that function, just ask someone that knows. I usually edit my poem by cutting and pasting a second write under the first if the changes are big.
You best ask someone like Beau for help, take care and please reply to comments it helps all our members to learn of different things, Yours Ian.T

Hi

Of embracing gravity
Why isolate this line and the 'as droplets..' line, it gives them a false sense of importance and makes this reader think you don't understand poetic form.

A Bakelite phone clinging to the wall
with umbilical longing
This is the best couplet in the poem and the one that made me stop and comment.

Save the sanity of his Mother,
slating her thirst on news

It's slaking not slating.

Feeding his collated drips to an unflinching
maniacal dog, who lapped it up obediently
'a maniacal dog' really? its like suddenly a character appears in a movie without any context.
I like the return to the 'drops as thoughts' image.

Then stole away, absolute as innocence
'Absolute in innocence' sounds good but is 2 abstractions pretending to mean something.

Things change, I recall.
I'd cut this last line, you don't have to wrap up a poem with words of wisdom, life doesn't 'conclude' why should a poem. Also the echo of recall from the first line is a cleverness the poem doesn't need.

I think this is very good, original and with something to say. You have a sure touch with sentence composition and the sonics of natural language.
kind regards and all the best
Ross

Thanks for the feedback Ross

Hi Ross,
I did study form in a informal way, on and off a while ago, but didn't really stick with it, I should have thought about the placement of those lines.Thanks for pointing out my misinterpretation of slating! Although, I suppose a slate can be quite dry until the rain hits. Looking at it again, you're right, the repeated last line is not necessary, and I could probably work on form a bit. I'm a dew dabbler at this stage,still learning, but will keep at it.Appreciate your suggestions.

Chris.
PS Yes the maniacal dog was tad dramatic.