Now the man who shares my DNA
Suddenly had to fly away
And the greatest brother of them all
Couldn’t pick up one missed call.
Jan 16, 2018
I miss you brother!
About This Poem
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Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
I wish...
that you had given some sort of explanation as to why your brother has left and why he couldn't/wouldn't pick up/ return your last call. Nice theme, but needs some expansion. ~ Geezer.
Hi Scooby
What do you miss about your brother? Sounds like unfinished business...things not said etc., Loss is a good theme to mine...If you read my works, you'll see I dig through to the mother-load on that one!
Use word choices-lexis- to underpin your ideas....'DNA', genes, blueprint,family trait
'fly-away', spirit, flight, abandon, rush
An so on...you have a curious skeleton of an idea...drape it with language.
Regards,
Ellie