[honestly, this attempted sonnet is solely possible due to continual guidance and patience by both Judyanne & Rula]
a forward step and two or more in hind
it may not ever happen but I'll strive
iambic feet may never get to five
it's not my fault I fall so much behind
a rainbow seems to hold a pot of gold
I keep on chasing them with fingers crossed
I'll find a golden goose or count my loss
may luck befriend me 'fore my feet go cold
the gospel truth is try, it's worth a try
and get the rhyming absolutely right
don't ever give up just believe in dream
you'll crack the sonnet, let away a cry
the night will pass to bring a day so bright
by writing sonnets silkier than cream
Comments
I knew you've the potential
A very entertaining theme and sonnet. We used to read sonnets about romance and many other themes, but rarely a humourous one. I assume this is your Petrarchan sonnet.
Then the rhyme scheme is spot on.
Two lines are perfect iamb pentemeter. The other two have some metrical problem. Could it be the word EVER that messed? I think you've pronounced it as one syllable while is has two vowel sounds E-ver
a STEP | forWARD | and TWO |or MORE |in HIND| (Perfect Iamb)
if THAT | Ever | HAppens| would I | Ever | STRIVE (I think Ever is messing your meter)
will i| AMbic |FEET of |MINE E|ver GET |to five (this line needs your attention)
is THAT | my FAULT |to FALL |so MUCH |beHIND (perfect Iamb)
This is your job to be done for tomorrow Raj.
Will parse the rest of your sonnet or part of it tonight. It is half past twelve midnight
But I want you to know you are doing really great.
Keep it up!
Is this better Rula?
First quatrain
a STEP | forWARD | and TWO |or MORE |in HIND|
will NE | ver GET| me PAST | the FI| -nish LINE |
to GET | to THAT | goal I | need NOT| 'ere PINE |
if I | keep TRY| -ing NOT | to LAG | beHIND |
Regards,
still raj
GOAL i | NEED NOT|
the rest is OK
Good job.
Rula
ok..my struggle continues....
Regards,
2nd Stanza
a RAIN |bow DOES| aPPEAR| to HOLD |a POT| of GOLD| (perfect)
do I |KEEP CHAS |ing with |BUtter |FINgers CROSS (rethink of this line metrically)
will I|FIND a| GOLDen |GOOSEor| SENDit | for a TOSS (most of this line is trochaic where stressed syllables preceed the unstressed. And with a foot and a half more)
may LUCK | beFRIEND |me 'FORE | my FEET |GO COLD( replace "go" with "are" and your line is perfect iamb
Raj
have you forgotten to include the workshop's name from the droplist or that was intentional?
Hi Rula
Many thanks for taking the pains to do the parsing and marking areas of improvement. I shall definitely work on those. Geezer has suggested that instead of Ever i could use 'ere. Will that be considered as unstressed syllable?
'ere GRATEfully, :)
Instead of...
[ever] try: 'ere'. It means the same, just drops a syllable.
~ Gee
Thanks Geezer
for dropping in and leaving a good suggestion. Will work on it.
Regards,
Raj
:) you are doing soo well - I'm guessing there are some very happy work shop leaders on this site who are very proud of you and others for not giving up and turning out some great sonnets.
Keep it up Raj! :)
Love Mand xxxxx
Hi Mand
so nice of you to stop by and drop an encouraging comment...yep...Judyanne and Rula have been really patient with me for sure ...and you too....i need encouragement in tonnes if i am to get this sonnet thing right...:)
much love n hugs..
don't give up raj
this is a great write
I have parsed it and given suggestions... (hope you don't mind me giving them)
a STEP | FOR ward | and TWO | or MORE | in HIND
(a FOR | –ward STEP )
if that | E -ver | HAPP -ens | WOULD i | E -ver | STRIVE
five and a half feet
it MAY | not E | -ver HAPP | -en BUT | i’ll STRIVE
WILL i | -AMB -ic | FEET of | MINE E | -ver GET | to FIVE
six feet - lol one could take this line as a good pun...
(i –AMB | –ic FEET | may NE | -ver GET | to FIVE)
is that | my FAULT| to FALL | so MUCH | be -HIND
(it’s NOT | my FAULT | i FALL | so MUCH | be -HIND)
a RAIN | -bow does | app -EAR | to HOLD | a POT | of GOLD
you have six feet here
a RAIN | –bow SEEMS | TO hold | a POT | of GOLD)
DO i | KEEP CHAS | -ing with | BUTT-er | FING-ers | CROSS
Again six feet
(i KEEP | on CHAS | -ing THEM | with FING |-ers CROSSED
will i | FIND a | GOLD-en | GOOSE or | SEND it | for a TOSS
six feet...
(i’ll FIND | a GOLD | -en GOOSE | or COUNT | my LOSS)
may LUCK | be-FRIEND |me 'FORE | my FEET | go COLD
(perfect iambic)
the GOSP | -el TRUTH | is TRY | -ing WHICH | is WORTH | a TRY
six feet
(the GOSP | -el TRUTH | is TRY |-- it’s WORTH | a TRY
till you | GET the | RHYM | -ing AB | -so-LUTE | -ly RIGHT
six feet
(and GET | the RHYM | -ing AB | -so-LUTE | -ly RIGHT
DO not | E-ver | GIVE up | but be | -LIEVE in | DREAM
six feet
(don’t E | -ver GIVE | up, JUST | be -LIEVE | in DREAM
till you | CRACK the | SONN-et | then LET | OUT a | CRY
SIX FEET
( you’ll CRACK | the SONN | -et, LET | a -WAY | a CRY)
the NIGHT | will PASS | to USH | -er a DAY | so BRIGHT
the NIGHT | will PASS | to BRING | a DAY | so BRIGHT
by WRIT | -ing a | SONN-et | SMOOTH-er | than a | CREAM
six feet
(by WRIT | -ing SONN | -ets SILK | i -ER | than CREAM
love judy
xxx
Judyanne
Wow...you have done a wonderful edit job for me of the entire poem....I can't thank you enough for your patience and efforts just like i cant thank Rula too enough..
Not sure if it would now be fair for me to call it my own...with almost a complete overhaul of my rickety version....
edited and finally posted the revamped version...hooooooooooosh!
gratefully,
it is all yours Raj
The poem is your thoughts and your words
I have done nothing more than assist in the meter
An author who has his novel edited still claims the work as his, does he not?
Anyway, I had to get you off this one as it was becoming too stale for you
You need to start a fresh work with all your new knowledge
I'm looking forward to your Elizabethan.... it is much easier
three quatrains and a final couplet. Rhyme scheme abab cdcd efef gg
iambic pentameter
The volta usually starts at the third stanza
love judy
Xxx
Raj
congratulations on finishing this attempted sonnet.
Now up to the English (Elizabethan sonnet) :)
Rula
Many thanks for your kind words. Now be a little more kind and let me catch my breath. Boy! you are a tough teacher.
Elizabeth can wait, can't she? :)
Regards,
Elizabeth the queen
shouldn't wait for long, should she?
Well
At least here I have the liberty to make Her Highness wait a while :)
hehe,
raj
Your third verse first stanza ... you have a 'me' in there that affects the iambic
You need 'iambi feet may never get to five', not 'me to five'
love judy
xxx
Judyanne
Thanks for pointing out the little glitch. Corrected it.
Regards,
lol Raj
A typo on my part --- iambic - not iambi
xxx
Judyanne
tell you what? I was beginning to think that iambi may be a close cousin of iambic which i wasn't yet introduced to....:)
xxxx,
oh Raj
You've put a smile on my dial just now
so needed that
rotfpmsl
lol - maybe iambi is bambi's sister
xxx
Ah Judyanne
makes me smile too to know that the lil humor in my comment put on a smile on your dial and also after knowing that there are other members in the sonnet family i havent been introduced to as yet besides iambi & iambic..."hello bambi..so good to meet you..do you belong to the stressed or unstressed lineage?" :)
lol xxx,
you have the sublime
genes of a future sonneteer
i gave up