life goes by
as fast as hummingbirds
on tiny wings
too full of motion to see
she's not restless like me
she knows her place
finds her duty and
applies it
searching for nectar
stopping only
to realign herself
i watch from the balcony
her busy attitude reminds me
i cannot be tied
cannot be settled
always knowing there is more
and like the hummingbird
the next flower is adventure
next new scent
next new person i meet
i hope i will be
a blur of color
a minute of a smile
as it crosses your face
to know i will never be still
Comments
I like this,
but I think it needs some work.
First stanza, I would re-write something like this:
"life flies by
fast as hummingbirds
on shimmered wings
too fast to see;
she's not restless like me,
she knows her place,
finds her duty and
applies it"
"pollen" should be "nectar"
3rd stanza, line 3:
"how i can't be tied"
I would drop the "how" and replace "can't with "cannot", which make the stanza more active, and keeps your original cadence on that line.
A good poem,l Chez. I like the metaphor.
With respect, 'shimmered'
With respect, 'shimmered' seems too cliche and not applicable, you can't even see their wings lol well my eyes can't. The other advises I will take into consideration
"to never be still"
makes the whole poem.
Thanks Jess, yeah the last
Thanks Jess, yeah the last part is important. Cheers