scribbler
Apr 25, 2014
This poem is part of the workshop:

The right amount of imagery (let's begin)

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HOW THE RAIN FALLS imagery shop poem (co-written with alidzain)

Racing home to beat the storm
from another sylvan scout
I'm headed where it's dry and warm
a refuge from tempests about.

Alas the rains catch up with me
and overwhelm the wiper blades.
The deluge makes it hard to see
as water pelts adjacent glades.

Lightning strobes its actinic way,
shaking my bones with its deep thunder
while gusts of wind make large trees sway.
I seek a shelter to park under.

I think I see an overpass
through the rain now mixed with hail.
I make there ere hail breaks the glass
as the storm winds howl and wail.

I pull off onto the paved shoulder
then sit and watch the squall's tantrum
as lightning and the storm grow bolder
hoping soon it lets up some.

Until at last the tempest eases.
Wind sets a bit as rain decreases
and hail stones melt in warming breezes.
Blue skies peek through cloudy creases.

Then just before I start my truck,
where overpass and the ground meet
where a large cardboard box was stuck,
out of it an old man gains his feet.

The ragged man exits his home.
His dim eyes pass right over me.
At least my truck is warm and dry
a snug delightful place to be.

I thank the lord then for my home,
hot coffee a few miles from here,
then wonder of the other's tome..
Rain falls but never equally.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Last stanza rhyme pattern is intentionally uneven. I leave it to ya'll to figure out why lol.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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Comments

R

raj

11 years ago

Thank you for the free ride in your truck as you brave the hail and rain. It created for me vivid images. A few suggestions since it is still in draft stage:-

1. In L1 S3 try to eliminate "And" which I feel is not a good way to start a new stanza
2. In L 2 & 3 of S7 word "where" is repeating at the start of each of those lines
3. the stanza where "a large cardboard box was stuck" and onwards somehow affects the flow and story, at least for me. Wait for others to step in

Regards,

S

Thank you for voicing your concerns. The stanza where the cardboard box is first mentioned is Meant to cause a change and the rest of the poem hopefully reflects the protagonist's change in how he thinks about rain storms. I'll let some more commentary accumulate before doing any editing...............stan

R

Of course it is a beautiful poem as I have elaborated in my comment before. Just thought that it could be even more vivid from stanza where the cardboard box arrives.

Regards,

Eduardo Cruz

I am a little taken aback, that the rhyming was off in one stanza, so I am not sure if this has it's purpose here in this workshop if you are only concentrating on imagery.
this stanza had a couple of things that to my unprofessional eye seem off;
"I thank the lord for then for my home- why the two "for"
awaiting a few miles from here
and stretch thinking of hot coffee.
Rain falls but never equally."
The rhyming in this stanzas is off, it just seem un-Stan like two me.
it just seem as the concentration of the protagonist veers some where else so does the rhyming, because the protagonist in is mind has already reached that special place of comfort. but physically not there yet.
Just how I see it.
I am far from an expert, at less a 100 times removed...

Eddie

S

alid and I meant for there to be a bit of a break in mood with the appearance of the ragged man. Perhaps the break , though intended, was a bit Too abrupt. Hopefully we'll get it smoothed out a bit in edit.........stan

Ian.T

A good write and I hope you got home safe. lol
The last Stanza needs some surgery, the plot seemed to stutter a little here.
Otherwise a good joint piece to read,
Yours Ian.T

Rula

Rula

10 years 12 months ago

Liked the story line and the details... How did the collaborative work go? Did it take much time? And what was the hardest part? Sorry if I am asking too much ,but really liked this piece. I feel really envious. :)
Good job.

S

It Did take a bit of time and not only due to time differences. We each have different types styles and different ideas about a poem describing thunder storms. It was alid whose idea of showing the effect of an "ordinary" thunder storm on the poor and/or homeless. The hardest part was melding both the differing ideas and styles so that it wouldn't be too apparent that two different writers collaborated. I will do one more edit on this in next day or so then post the final version if alid approves..............stan