First, you decide you want to eliminate that fat
Pushing its way through the stitching of your jeans.
Then you grab on to every piece sticking out
Pass the hourglass silhouette you've drawn on yourself.
Keep a food journal. Take a record of every morsel
That goes into your mouth. The pancakes, the bacon and eggs,
That salmon you ate for dinner last night. And yes,
That enormous slice of chocolate cake that made you swear
You’ll definitely start losing tomorrow.
Write down every calorie.
You order Nutrisystem.
When you finally admit, you have no control
Over portion control.
It's been a week. Weight yourself.
Glaring at the scale you gasp
At the fact that you've only lost 1 pound, in five days.
Out of supplies? Run to the store.
You buy grapes and apples, and pick up some spring mix
That makes you think of your pet rabbit.
But passing your favorite cookies, you break down and cry.
Put in the work, workout that is.
Pay for that exercise bike you saw on the commercial
And pictured yourself speeding on like a jaguar,
That after two weeks has become your clothes rack.
Treat yourself to a cheat meal at the end of week.
Heading to your favorite buffet
With a line of desserts as long as a football field,
You binge on fries, pizza, and egg rolls.
Gain back 2 to 3 pounds,
And it starts all over again.
Comments
Very Nice Just Some Thoughts
What works:
I like the moments where there is a rhyme. It gives a presumed end and sums up the lines before. I like how it is structured using terms like moving and bridges, meeting and middle.
What doesn't work:
I find some line breaks both confusing and interesting. Sometimes you can use a line break to change the tempo of the poem, but other times the line break seems awkward. Try talking through the poem and see if the line breaks make sense rhythmically. Other times the line break seems to emphasizes a given word or phrase, but it is not consistent in its usage. If the line break is used at a given point in the paragraph, then it might seem more intentional.
The center of the poem:
The impression I get is of someone who is in the midst of change. They are hesitant on how to proceed and is looking to someone to help them along.
your funny poem
Yes. The universal truth. So many of us have been there done that. A very fun read indeed!
Nutrisystem is 1200 calories a day..you would starve to death after a while. I really enjoyed this work.
But I would like to suggest something. Humor in poetry often works best with some fun rhyme. Here, I tried this real fast...
First, you decide you want to lose that fat ass
Pushing its way through the stitching of your pants.
Then you grab on to every piece of fat sticking out
Pass the hourglass silhouette you've come to flout.
Keep a food journal. Take a record of every morsel-
The pancakes, the bacon and eggs, and every forkful
Of salmon you ate last night. And yes, dear,
That enormous slice of chocolate cake that made you swear
You’ll definitely start losing tomorrow.
Writing down every calorie with gusto!
Easy to do when the outline is there. It is a different form than you have chosen but I hope you consider it. There are a few things also to fix, such as
When you finally admit, you have no control
Over portion control
you can easily diversify the word control...a few things like that.
You have tapped into a universal in a fun way. Thanks
nice one
very nice you know i will this poem to be recommended for my neighbors, i strongly believe they will reduce or loose weight after reading
Thanks.
Thank you for the comment. Will be glad to hear it inspired someone.
Weight loss
I was told years ago to watch my weight so I keep it all on my abdomen where I can easily see it lol. Nice poem
Thanks
Lol