He remembers their first time, in the evening chill
near to the cornfield behind the house on the hill.
Where the old folks live who are lost behind its door
and don’t know where, or who they are any more.
He visits her most days, she often doesn’t know who he is
up at the house on the hill, where she now needs to live.
Sometimes she looks at him with a certain look in her eye
and he knows that look and he tries hard not to cry.
He wonders if somewhere behind those troubled eyes
the woman he loved so much somehow still survives.
And just occasionally in a moment of lucid thought
she remembers the times when her life was less fraught.
The time they were young lovers passionate and free
and so happy to be married in the spring of fifty three.
The children they raised and their cute little ways
and the sounds of Sinatra and Minnelli on the airwaves.
He sits in his chair gazing through the window each night
up to the house on the hill, until the last moment of light.
Wondering if she looks down at the place she called home
and if she really knows he still lives there, all alone.
Comments
Hi Tim
A great description of drawn out and gradual loss. Is there a particular syllable count you were aiming for? Probably just me but it seems the lines could have more impact if a bit shorter.................stan
Thanks Stan. No syllable
Thanks Stan. No syllable count but it does strike me too that shorter lines work better, but couldn't manage it on this one. I even contempleted splitting each line into two to see if that worked better?
Tim
hi Tim
I reckon sometimes a line Has to be long in order to contain all one wishes to say lol..........stan
thanks Ian
thanks Ian
Reminds me so much of The
Reminds me so much of The Notebook movie...and how some just can't let each other go...and are devoted..I notice the syllable count makes it flow unevenly but it was such a delightful story I didn't really care.
thanks for the feedback Chez.
thanks for the feedback Chez.
Loved
the story line. (I like story poetry!)
Has such a bitter-sweet flavor. Sadly, the theme is so true at times.
I think there are a couple of "he's" and "ands" that could be culled, and perhaps polish a line or two.
Otherwise, I really enjoyed the work and was pulled into the pictures brought to mind as I read.
Nicely done.
Always,
Tonya
thanks for commenting Tonya.
thanks for commenting Tonya.