It's a Thursday
and no one's out
watching the sun
melt into the horizon
Behind a cloud
like a mountain
the sun becomes
an eye
The rays spread out
with laquered lashes
before a final
wink
The last gift
a silver silhouette
before it sinks
Lashes blackening
and clouds turning
to ash
Only birds witness
now
Cawing and calling
its slow demise
The clouds
an ancient city
of towers
The horizon's
left bereft
The air is sweet
and still
waiting
And the palms
seem to gossip
amongst themselves
as if prompted
by a passing friend
Comments
Nice mind's eye picture of a
Nice mind's eye picture of a sunset!
1] Thursday
2] no one's
3] Cawing
4] air's
These are all just little mistakes, but take away from what would be a really nice work. ~ Gee
Nice mind's eye
of a sunset.
1] [T]hursday
2] no one's
3] Cawing or crowing
4] it's
5] horizon's
6] air's
Small mistakes, but they take away from a really good work. ~ Geezer
Fair comment geezer..it did need a tidy up.
Not an excuse, but it was a dashed off impression, cut and paste job. I did mean to get back to it and make some adjustments - but then that's what constructive criticism is for, so thanks for your help. I actually don't like to go overboard with the apostrophe conveying ownership, when it's implied anyway, hence some of it stays in :-). Contractions obviously - should've known better.
Hopefully looks a bit better now, so thanks.
Chris.
Much better...
It's just that I am real old-school and read each piece of work as though I were still in grade school,
with a teacher looking over my shoulder. Sometimes, I forget how long ago that was and that this is a new day, with the rules changing all the time. ~ Geezer