judyanne
judyanne
Apr 23, 2012
This poem is part of the workshop:

FROM PROSE TO POETRY

(Read More...)

honkas - prose to poetry workshop (final edit) - further addition especially for jess

hi voltage cables and bits of PVC
there’s bound to be something interesting
he can make with these
not a spaceship, not a robot
something undefined

lost in imagination’s thrall
danger unnoticed
quietly stalking

honkas

not the small
those tender succulent
sumptuous joy

nor the huge
pinioned transport that soar
up and beyond
to enchantment
and lands where strange people live

but the medium-sized
long sharp teeth and giant wings
aggressive
hungry

in this narrow space
between fence and shed
they roar in frustrated mania
smelling meat
but wings that will not fold
and legs thick and monstrous
catch on the edges of the alley
hinder their approach

He will stay where trapped,
wait it out ‘til rescued
safest where he is
hiding
testing parent ire
ignorant in their disbelief

~~~~~~~

for Jess - stripped to barest

from talons and teeth
that will rend him honka meat
terrified he hides

resigned to ire of
father's fatal ignorance
he'll wait for rescue

~~~~~~~~

Jess's prose
The little boy was examining closely sections of high voltage multi-core cables and bits of PVC He was sure he could make something out of them. Just something. Not a spaceship or robot, just some indefinable something. His dad made things so he knew he could. So he wasn’t paying attention when the honkas attacked.

Honkas came in three kinds, they all looked like pterodactyls but the little ones he hunted and cooked for food, the medium sized ones were aggressive and tried to eat him. The biggest ones could be tamed and took him to the places where the strange folk lived.

It was the medium sized ones this time. They trapped him in the narrow space between the shed and the fence but were too big to get at him. He just had to wait it out. No problem, he’d done it before. Mum or dad would find him and be cranky at him hiding again, but he would be safe.

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

More from this author

Comments

Barbara Writes

The prose was really good. The boy seek adventure in creating something from the pvc as he seen his father do. Then the encounter with the honkas. Love the story in prose. I read the poetry first to see what I got from it. Was a bit vague for me to grasp the full meaning. My fault as I never heard of honkas. I did understand after second read the poetry version. :-) very good indeed. Without a dictionary at every turn I'm lost.

judyanne

lol - i think i will be pulled up as this really still remains prose imho
much as i have tried to make it more poetic, it was difficult to move it from the story line to a more descriptive write

anyways, we'll see
love judy

Nordic cloud

Yes I agree with you, judyanne, and Anni about it feeling prosy,
but the material is far from any usual subject for poetry
and given that, I think you made a super effort to give it some
poetic content.

Its and exciting piece in some ways,
but then one's imagination can add too much
and take it away for the original task.

Ann

Cloudthings

Thank goodness you wrote that Judy, I had the same thought, I was actually quite concerned since I see you as a very good writer, I DO think this is prose too, I know what you mean about it being hard, I found that the pieces I wrote 3 different styles initially, either just ended up as very near prose or unarguably prose, or else they didn't contain much of the info I felt was important if I made them less prosey (less conversational, more descriptive etc.)... The only way I seemed to get the happy medium was to make the jolly prose rhyme... Sigh ..., it is challenging in an entirely different way than I thought it would be!

Good job here by the way.
Anni

wesley snow

So far everyone seems agreed your poem is rather "prosy". Jess must be playing with my voodoo doll again, because I don't agree. Now, it's not Shakespeare (in style... in quality... well... hmmm.), but I was struck by manner you kept Jess' "read" throughout and ran his style into a poetic form. Okay, okay, okay, it's a little "prosy", but I don't think nearly as much as it sounds like from everyone else. And Cloud- yes! Rhyme fixes everything. I don't understand why we're not using it in our day to day conversation (maybe because I just read a poem written by Obama years ago and... well, maybe rhyming is not such a good idea).
wesley

S

Having already gathered some commentary I guess I can put in my penny worth. I get the feeling you rushed through this and pretty much just rearranged the prose into stanzas. In my opinion this could use a bit of imagery and restructuring for better flow. Now I just read your above comment and I look forward to your edit as I know you can do much better..........stan

judyanne

i did not rush through it
it is a very difficult write to turn to poetry

the only real way would be to make it rhyme
and as i said to anni above - for me that defeats the purpose of this workshop...

we are attempting to clarify prose and free form really
something written in verse is obviously a poem - even if a bad one lol

cheers
'judy

S

I am sitting here pulling what few hairs I still have out lmao. The purpose of this shop is to study the difference between plain prose and ALL types poetry . So using a rhyming form is perfectly permissible. Indeed it might even display a bigger gap and greater difference between the two. Please not that syllabus states that the poem form used is entirely up to the writer. So do what you are most comfortable with. There are participants here whose comfort zones are widely varied so I'm expecting a lot of different forms to be used. Well, now all hair is gone from top of head, guess I'll start next on sideburns lol............stan

judyanne

or on your legs, for i see no reason to compare verse and rhythm with prose
the only real issue imo is with free form

at least that is where i have the problem
xxx

(are you up to your underarm hairs yet?)
rotflmao
xxx

btw - what do you think of my edit?

S

Back from reading and comparing you edit. Much more poetic than 1st submission.I think the added imagery and concise form is what did it. Only thing I can think to suggest is maybe beginning 2nd line with "amid"......OUCH!......there goes another nose hair lmao. BTW..please hit the button where it says "select if your comment is your official.........it put that neat boarder around the comment and makes it look like we know what we're doing......stan

Barbara Writes

I reread the Syllabus and its says simple prose to ALL form of poetry. So to say a form of poetry whether free form or rhyme defeats the purpose of the workshop makes your task harder I feel. Whatever form gets the job done I think. I either choose my form or let the poem develop as I write. I don't think we should limit ourselves on what form we should and should not use. That defeats the purpose to me and take all the fun out of the workshop. I'm just saying.

Barbara Writes

I reread the Syllabus and its says simple prose to ALL form of poetry. So to say a form of poetry whether free form or rhyme defeats the purpose of the workshop makes your task harder I feel. Whatever form gets the job done I think. I either choose my form or let the form develop as I write my poem. I don't think we should limit ourselves on what form we should and should not use. That defeats the purpose to me and take all the fun out of the workshop. I'm just saying.

judyanne

but i would rather concentrate my efforts towards the poetry i use less and therefore find more of a challenge so to speak
and free verse is that -

also i was interested in this workshop because the original idea transpired from jess calling a free verse poem mostly prose ... that is what wet my interest

and i still say that verse and rhyme cannot be considered prose as such.... narrative, perhaps, but not prose
- and still i may yet use it lol

thanks for your thoughts
love judy

S

BEWARE asking for more challenge lol. If time permits it's my intent to assign a different form of poetry to everybody's poem. Might ask you to do a parallel write lmao...........stan

Cloudthings

Hi Judy, as you know, I had the same inspiration (the comment from Jess re poem being more prose), & the same challenge... I wrote 3 different poems, 2 being free-form & one rhymed (4 in the end since I changed the best free-form into a rhyming work)... I could NOT seem to get away with covering all the prose content & it still not being PROSE, so I went with rhyming the work, not happy with the poem, but it is unarguably a poem at least.

I am wondering if, with some stories, it is far more difficult to create a poem & retain the details (eg, if I were to remove some of the personal details from the prose story, I could write a more poetic free-form poem... possibly a more poetic rhyming work also... perhaps it comes down to narrative? If one removes the "story" element & shift into descriptive mode only... or sensory/reaction mode? then a lovely poem can be made, but details must get culled for this to happen in my experience (at least with the particular story I am working on).

Would love other's thoughts on this.

Anni xx Off to read your rewrite now!!!

Cloudthings

I DO think mine is still "bad poetry", not wanting reassurance here, I am struggling to convert & make it a "good poem" (by my standards at least)... I have done what was required, but it isn't a poem I'd be proud of or satisfied with... As I said, I think the only way to do that would be to dissolve some of the elements of the story into a more sensory response... & then I'd feel I was not doing a good job meeting workshop requirements (or I'd worry I was offending the author of the prose)... One can only chuckle & move on with this stuff I think.... NEXT!!!!

Cheers
Anni

S

The minute details usually don't matter that much.After all it's the overall feeling of the poem which is most likely to stick with the reader. As long as details which are contrary to prose's meaning aren't added there's a good bit of lee way. There's even that phrase "poetic liscence" which was invented precisely to cover this. .......stan

Cloudthings

Thanks Stan, it's good to have that acknowledged officially for the workshop purposes, I guess we hadn't really been sure of how much we could deviate, so this is good, I might have another go... I used that same term (poetic license) in this context somewhere else... with apologies for bad punning... You can get away with it here!

Cheers
Anni

Candlewitch

Before I review, it might help me to know what Honkas are? let me know and I will get back to it, Thanks.

always, Cat

S

Honkas are imaginary creature Jess came up with..........stan

Barbara Writes

I too remember that.
I guess honkas can be the invisible monster I thought lived under my bed in my preteen years lol.

judyanne

lol - blame jess for 'honkas'
i too have no idea what they are, never seen one
i think they came out of one of his nightmares
love judy

weirdelf

I am honoured.

Somehow I did not get the difference between the adult world and the honka world. Maybe it wasn't there in the prose, but I would have loved to see it there in the poetry.

Cloudthings

Definitely more poetic now, good work... it is harder than I thought it would be to remain true to the prose details & create free-form poetry. Dare I suggest we should play with getting more vague with the details to produce better poems (bit of "poetic license" so to speak... sorry bad pun!).

Stan, after we work through all this I would LOVE it if everyone then turned their own prose into a poem... jumping the gun for sure, but, I have wondered, after each read, how the original writer would create a poem from their work...

weirdelf

you know, those flying dinosaurs?
They were with me for as early as I can remember, food, friend and foe, and the friends introduced me to elves.

My dad was an engineer and went totally spare at the Heisenberg principle and Quantum Theory, if 1+1 didn't equal 2 he turned to god.

There is the background

weirdelf

Look for subtext! Invent! The poem, despite my complaints, is yours now.

weirdelf

but I like it very much. I did tell you to make it your own.

This could happily become a co-write.

That would please Stan no end, I've always suspected the big softy of being a closet matchmaker. Only for poets, of course.

Candlewitch

I'm back. On my second read through, with the understand of Honkas, I got alot more from the read. I must say, I am more Science Fantasy than Science Fiction. I found this to be a humorous read.I don't know if ti was intended to be or not. I feel there could have been more imagery in the poem, towards the description of Honkas. I liked this part best:

He will stay where trapped,
wait it out ‘til rescued
safest where he is
hiding
testing parent ire
unbelievers that they are

always, Cat

judyanne

thanks for your comment
lol - it is not my concept - remember? - we're all attempting to make poetry from someone else's prose
- this is jess's idea
i didn't mean to make it humerous, but i guess the final lines might lead the reader to that conclusion
i wonder if jess minds :)

- i wonder what your definitions of science fiction as opposed to science fantasy are ...
(just curious)

love judy
xxxx

weirdelf

personally I think it could use some paring down, and I'm not convinced of the last line, the parents are not so much unbelievers as blissfully unaware of the perils.

judyanne

i don't know if i'm not making it worse
- should i follow the old adage - let well enough alone ??

love judy

weirdelf

I would have loved you to strip it back to its barest ideas and imagery and build a poem from that.

We can't be afraid of not realising the full vision of the author, or they would have written a poem.

On the other hand, we can do better, by allowing ourselves poetry.

Candlewitch

Good edit! I enjoyed the read. I think you did a fine job of it. It is very hard to turn someone elses prose into poetry, but you did it very well! I like your descriptions, here:

in this narrow space
between fence and shed
they roar in frustrated mania
smelling meat
but wings that will not fold
and legs thick and monstrous
catch on the edges of the alley
hinder their approach

always, Cat

judyanne

thank you for the supportive comment
you are so right - it is very hard to turn someone else's thought to poetry
one never really catches the total thought, i don't think, as we bring our own views to the write

thanks again
love judy
xxx

PRECIOUSLYSET1

I loved the stripped version best.
It brought it simply to the point
Words are pretty things to use but mostly
the less the better .. well
sometimes lol
but reallly enjoyed this

S

Ultimate stripped version : "I'm Scared!" lol. In my opinion you brought this right along. Taking our own simple thoughts and turning them to poetry is hard enough. Trying to turn another's into such is much more difficult because we always second guess the intended meaning. ..............stan

judyanne

i think it would be easier somehow too if the writes were from people we didn't know
no fear of perhaps upsetting the original thought with thoughts of our own from our own interpretation...

it was an interesting exercise..
(wiping forehead again with pink hankie)
thanks for the kind comments, they shine off that bald pate :)
love judy
xxxx

weirdelf

in the original workshop, Stan.
I found it impossible to work with the idea without stripping the prose down to bare basics and building a poem from that, as I did with Barbara's. Others tried to be more literal.

S

Had I been able to predict the subjects chose for prose posts I may well have been more detailed in specific instructions. With all the possible variables to consider ahead of time I took a shot at letting folks run with their assignments and see how they and others handled it. I definitely produced a wide variety of poetry.............stan

Cloudthings

Like this final edit Judy... especially these lines:
honkas

not the small
those tender succulent
sumptuous joy

nor the huge
pinioned transport that soar
up and beyond
to enchantment
and lands where strange people live

but these, the medium-sized
long sharp teeth and giant wings
aggressive
hungry

in this narrow space
between fence and shed
they roar in frustrated mania
smelling meat
but wings that will not fold
and legs thick and monstrous
catch on the edges of the alley
hinder their approach

& of course the last with their wit & mischief.

I think I would have struggled with this perhaps & you have made it quite a graceful poem... Bravo woman, it's been a pleasure to witness the transformations too.

Cheers
Anni

judyanne

for the wonderful and supportive comments

this has been a real learning experience for me - i have enjoyed this workshop
(lol - hear that baldy?)

and i really have a better understanding in my own mind now as to spotting prose in poetry
- it does have its place i think - especially in narrative or places in the write where narrative is needed
- just imho
:)
love judy
xxx

Cloudthings

I've enjoyed it too, (polish that dome lad!!!) & learned lots, though I have to say (maybe my slow synapses at the moment?) I still feel a bit more anxious about the whole prose thing than I used to when I wasn't so enlightened... Perhaps that's a good thing?

I certainly am glad to hear you say you think it definitely has it's place, I LOVE poetic prose... more than a lot of rhyming stuff (though I can love my share of that too).

Cheers... Now I can get back to reading some of your works (& others!)..not tonight though!

Anni xx