Walking between the silver rail
Where engines run on turbine sails
.crunch clop, crunch clop .
I pick 'em up and put 'em down
Miles and miles from nearest town
.crunch clop
Legs swinging with a steady beat
In a pleasant spring day's heat
. . . .
No idea where the track is bound
through this forest all around
. . .
Where ever it decides to go
Is better than behind I know
. . .
I walk and walk and drink and drink
And never ever,ever think
..
About the ones I've left behind
They hardly ever come to mind
.
Bugged out on my family
When things got too real for me
...........
Every time I pass a bridge real high
..............crunch clop , crunch........clop
I fight the urge to try to fly......................
...
Guess I'll die one night of cold
I hope before I grow too old
.
Till then there's this track and heat
Tramping my vagabond's beat
crunch clop, crunch clop................
special thanks (or blame lol) to lou
Comments
Stan
I like the subject matter, but I feel repeating, ' crunch, clop, crunch , clop,' between each line, takes away from the rest of the poem.
Love Lou xx
greetings
I welcome any suggestion as to an alternate way to describe his continual rhythmic strides...............stan
Stan,
Stan,
I've rewritten a little , hope you don't mind, I feel this version expresses the rhythm you are looking for, without being too literal , you may be able to think of some other words that express the rhythm in an even more effective way. Ie. Away rhyming that expresses the beat of his feet.
Love Lou
Shuffle between the silver rails
Where engines run on turbine sails
pick them boots and slap 'em down
Miles and miles from nearest town
Legs swinging with a steady beat
In a pleasant spring day's heat
No idea where you're bound
through each Godforsaken town
Slug a bottle, drink it down
Dreaming about the ones I've left behind
Bugged out on my family
When things got too real for me
Pound that track there and back
Every time I pass a bridge,
I fight the urge to take flight
Guess I'll die one night of cold
I hope before I grow too old
Till then there's the rhythm
of my boots against tat track
Scuffing the dust beneath my feet
.
hi
I never mind well thought out suggestions. I see how dividing the write may be part of the solution. Thank you for dropping back by with these ideas............stan PS might need to post edit as a co-write lol.......stan
Stan
Lol , just did the rewrite as example of what you could do, and a means of making a few suggestions.
All you really need to do is take out the crunch clops, it would have the rhythm you require.
Love Lou
hi
decided a few crunches and clops maybe still needed to indicate times when thoughts broke rhythm. Put rest in rhyming couplets.See if you like this better...............stan PS still considering listing it as a co-write
Stan
I still believe it reads better without the crunch clops, maybe you could repeat a refrain but say something like ' pounding the rails,' or shuffling the dust under his feet,' maybe you could use two lines and alternate them.
There's no need to list it as a co-write ( although I am flattered) , i have only given a few suggestions, you have done all the work.
much love lou
lou
and what else is a co-write but suggestions flowing back and forth? I'll think again on your ideas.........stan