Haiku 1
Nightfall slow descend
Tree branch twinkles in the light
Gibbous moon high
Haiku 2
Its dark dead and damp
Where two frogs silently sits
Floating on a pond
Haiku 3
Riding a warm breeze
Coming from the fresh cut grass
A deep breath taken
Haiku 4
From the mountains deep
Clouds spring forth from green foliage
As the white mists rise
Comments
by number
1 Haiku often fails by being a list of words.
It is an elegant and difficult form. Sorry, this doesn't make it.
2
Its dark dead and damp
Where two frogs silently sits
Floating in a pond
really works!, only crit,
Where two frogs silently sit
3 doesn't make it, it feels westtern
4. Not quite there, too decriptive, not enough profundity.
I apologise for being harsh, but haiku is a profound form, there is no room for disccrepancy.
Thanks for the crit
I'm not Japanese so it won't be as if a Japanese actually wrote them. I wrote from where the heart flowed. It maybe a bit western, but as long as the content is haiku and syllables count are in order I think It best to write from your own disposition with the basic Japanese form in intact. haiku is haiku and srnyru is senyru. I don't see any crit from you on that so I think you agree it has the essence of haiku that is required.
Its hAiku, nature with a touch of human presence. IMO ;) how would you suggest they be written. You opinion is appreciated. Strong crtit I can take it.
Looking forward to seeing you haiku. I know I'll learn something good I didn't know.
It's a 'frisson', the tingle or special extra feeling.
It is so hard to describe, much less offer constructive feedback, it's the X factor, they either got it or they ain't.
Jess
aint it the truth
Hi Barb
#1 last line appears short one syllable and line 2 try twinkles
#2 I like this description
#3 I think you mean deep breath, but also liked the olfactory image
#4 last line try mists, good description of the moisture cycle in mountains
sorry for being late. It's been a busy last coupla weeks................stan
Thanks Stan
I'll start on these lines of suggestions.
Barbara
Your selection of four:-
1:- having trouble with the syllable check on "Gibbous moon high"
and the theme is stretched..
2:- there is no need for "sits" it can be singular and rather float "on" a pond than "in" a pond
3:- Is a mix of physical and seasonal, something like "drifting over fresh cut grass" " Breathing summers air" I haven't checked for syllable's on these two bits.. Putting "She" in there makes it Physical.
4:- mist raise can be:- mists rise will see if this changes the count
Apart from that as this is my first foray into Japanese poetry what the hell do I know lol , Yours Ian.T
Thanks Ian
You suggestions are really good one . Il start on implementing them now
Stan, Ian
Ive made changes based on your suggestion. Ian I think the syllable count is correct in all four haikus. Thanks for the crit