Lost in the metaphor of you,
I submit
one last time.
The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders
and truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.
Jul 09, 2012
A Greek Tragedy
About This Poem
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
It does,
It does feel as dark as any Greek could offer, the only thing i'd change is. Take away the (and) in the second last line. And then i'd say it's good. Love Roscoe..
Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find
Hmmm. Maybe. Need to find another *connecting* word. Any ideas, Roscoe?
~A
I would,
I would begin the sentence with truth, or you could try , alas, with a comma after shoulders. Love Roscoe...
i really like this anna
i like the 'and' also
but if you are looking to change it would 'with' (without the 'as', as in 'with truth a key...') work for you?
great title
love judy
xxx
Nah, I'll keep the *and*.
Nah, I'll keep the *and*.
You know what? It's the thing the one word that connects without any doubt.
;-)
Anna
Lovely write, I think that "where" would join those lines without a whisper.
The shackles of persistence
hang like a low
dark cloud upon my shoulders,
where truth is a key I wear around
my neck, weighing me down.
And is OK but if needs must then !!!!!! Yours Ian.T