Goodbye To Me

You might think this is a goodbye letter to you
But you'd be wrong.

This is a goodbye letter to me.

I've spent every day for years
Feeling like I'm dying.

The unwavering pain
of opening my eyes in the morning.

The deep, inescapable dread
of starting another day.

I try to sit up in bed.
I collapse.

The out of body experiences are constant.
I don't even know
how I walk in a straight line.

I take my meds on time every day.
Why do I still feel like this?
All day, everyday,
I feel the tears well up
but they never fall.

I dare myself to speak.
I silence myself.
I dare myself to cry.
I mocked myself for being weak.
I dare myself to live.
I barely survive the day.
I dare myself to be relentless.
I give up every day.

Today is different.

So Goodbye to me...
The little bit of me that is left.

---

I sank into the bathtub...
Warm and welcoming water surrounded me.

I let my arms drape from the sides
as the blood dripped off my fingertips.

Slowly,
I felt every second of my life drain from me.

All the pain,
the worry,
the sadness,
the anger...
it drip, drip, dripped away.

Don't cry for me.
I lost nothing.

In fact, this is the most free I've ever

I lift my shaking pale arm
And draw a red heart on the shower wall.