One star tonight, went dim
And caused my heart to faint
What wrong, I ask, what sin
Could take away that quaint
Loveliness that star possessed
And leave me with such bitterness?
One smile tonight, went stale
And caused me many a tear
What thoughts, I ask, could fail
One to sense the death that’s near
To take away the beauty in that smile
And leave me tasting bile?
One friend tonight, went home
And caused me such devastation
What in the world, I ask, I probe
Could cause Him to take the decision
To take you, so soon, to the heavenly Lamb
And leave me feeling numb?
Listen to my cry
Listen to my sigh
Listen to my prayer, one more time
Father in heaven, you know best
Make his pure soul in thee to rest
Give him this message, say it’s from me
‘I will see you, someday we will meet
I will tell you all that went on.
All that happened after you were gone’.
Comments
Amma
A write from your heart and lovely too! Tell us what you see from where you are let us feel the place where you are, your departed hear your call though you only have to whisper their names, Yours Ian.T
Ian. T
Thanks for reading.
Ever since
your last poem, I'v been following your posts. This one, right from the start is filled with a mild sense of loss/sadness.
Using a lone star going dim is quite powerful. The poem doesn't say much, however, just a little. In all, I can say it's quite touchy (drew the awws again).
It's a nice poem, and, like the previous one, I like it.
Losing
one so dear to me was not easy. wish i could write more but it is only this 'little' that managed to come out of me. i can say for sure though that he was a star that brightened many lives including mine. Maybe now that the pain has subsided, i can work on this more.
Thanks!
The idea in this poem is
The idea in this poem is lovely, I hope you edit it a bit to clean it up as it is worth it.
"One smile tonight, went stale
And caused me many a tear............................many a tear...oh no, not good these words here for me, a tad cliché
What thoughts, I ask, could fail
One to sense the death that’s near.......thoughts that fail? the death, who or...
To take away the beauty in that smile
And leave me tasting bile?"........................shiver. green acrid bile. If the poem had been on a nasty subject one could end using this substance but.....?
There's are thoughts on this Ammknonadu,
Its worth working on I feel yours Ann.
Thanks a lot
for your suggestions...i'm ever ready to improve my work so if it won't be too much of a bother, could you please send me a PM of these suggestions again. Asking you personally to help me make it better! Thanks again!
NeoPoet is a workshop environment.
The point is to break down a poet's work that it may be built again in better form.
I think not here though.
Sometimes we say things through poetry that are not meant to be rearranged.
If I would change anything here, it would be to alter the circumstances that caused the poem be written at all.
When I come to another of your works that is not so crisp with reality I will give you that raw truth you asked for.
But I think not here.
wesley
Tears in my eyes
I tell you. i wish so too...that i could change it all and he wouldn't be gone anymore.
Thanks so much for this.
Hello Amma
I like this poem for it's sheer, honest, simplicity!
Well done!
Hi!
Thanks, Boni!
I feel I want to withdraw my
I feel I want to withdraw my comment in many ways, being so taken up with the poem, Wesley said it so well, I agree with him. I am not a poetry specialist, I only give my opinion, not based on any thorough education in poetry.
I understand your strong feelings, I sympathise,
Love Ann.
Ann
It's ok, I welcome any comment as long as it is going to help me improve. Thank you for being so kind.
A fucking wonderful poem,
intelligent and thoughtful. But you got it wrong.
As I've said before, your writing is superb, but that does not make truth.
You will die and there will be nothing left.
What is the truth
then, Jess? I'm ready to learn so i don't get it wrong again.
truth is pragmatic
In poetry as much as science, but expressed with beauty,
Jess can't tell you
There is not truth, only those that we create for ourselves while we live, all the sages, philosophers, religions seek it, but no one can find it. That's why I like the Tao(The Way), when you think you have found The Way, it isn't there.
But having this ideal is not a bad thing from many points of view. As long as we do what we feel is our best, whatever that is!