Fresh Blossom (To Serve A Poet)

is o.k. Predictable, but alright.
Language is good too.
I felt that the rhythm was thrown off by the length of some of the lines.
Example: The unstoppable hands of time snatched away it's petals
I would have done it this way: The hands of time have snatched it's petals
or: Unstoppable time has snatched it's petals.
The theme is o.k. but has been largely overdone.
The beginning and end is good and the logic consistent.
Now, all that being said; I do have an appreciation for nature
and I understand what drives people to try and capture it for others to see,
in pictures, and words. I think that I would not have tried to critique this work
if it were not for the workshop. I hope I haven't been too hard on your work.
~ Gee

I tend to agree with the comment of Geezer about the rhythm. Are you suggesting that "little rose" has captured your imagination and mot just "rose". I tend to disagree with the simile about "luscious red lips of a virgin"...because luscious red lips are not just of virgins unless you are referring to the nethers...you may also think about some other word than "pride" in line 3 of S1 which I believe you have tried to use as a rhyme to "prime" in L1/ I feel you need not do that because I don't notice any rhyming sequence of significance in rest of the poetry...I will come back with a few suggestions / alternatives...

Regards,

When the subject of the protagonist (rose) is part of the title and known to the reader, it may not be necessary to mention it (rose) it again in the verse. To illustrate this, I have attempted to do it as follows:-

You stood out like a virgin
amidst a harem of concubines
now a chastened beauty
weathered of your prime

Not fallen from your grace
though fate did rob your gait
your spirit does stay alive
in fragrance of the soil

Regards,

A well used theme of comparison, must say the last stanza needs to flow better will leave the rest to the other poets.
Yours as always, Ian.T

I'm trying hard to find something good in this poem.
One, almost unforgivable bad is the use of the word "beautiful". It says nothing in poetry, there is always a better word.
Have you heard the quote "Rose is a rose is a rose is a rose" by Gertrude Stein? It has come to mean that almost any poem referring to a rose is bound to be a cliche.
"is torn apart by hands of time" is a lovely and original line.
The rest of the poem reminds me of why it is forbidden in certain religions to depict nature, that is god's work and to immortalise it "on a white canvas sheet" is heretical arrogance to believers (not to to an atheist like me [grins]).

This is really a terribly cliched poem and as I think I have suggested to you before you need to find your subject matter from your own, deep personal passions, have the courage to expose yourself, don't "think of things to write about".

I have to agree with the others this is a topic that's overdone, I don't think in all the time I have written poetry that I have ever written about a rose(if I am wrong and someone remembers one remind me I cant for the life of me think of one)...unless some inspiration or epiphany hits me with something new to say about it I doubt I will ever write of the rose.

I have to say there is a repetitiveness in some of your lines I have read them before, not from you but from a thousand other poets, as Jess pointed out there is a couple of good lines but it really needs something wow to take it from the mundane into the good/great category..

I think with time you will find your own unique voice but it sometimes takes work, I didn't come to Neopoet with talent I have had to develop with time, and the help of some amazing friends, professor and Bjp and Olya just to name a couple...its here that your poetry will grow, I find some of your poetry to be really starting to improve but you are looking for the story as Jess said, you have to start telling your own story, you might not think you have one, but we all do

I hope I haven't been too hard my friend but I am really trying to be open with my thoughts

sincerely Jayne x

Whenever a single word such as Rose is used for a title you are likely setting yourself in competition with countless others who have used the same title. I made the same mistake when I wrote my first poem titled My Love. So perhaps a change in title would benefit you in this instance.
Found one grammar error :either memory lingers or memories linger.
"torn apart by the hands of time"....This line shows how variable feedback can be lol. I think something like eroded works better in describing a gradual wearing away.
One important thing in poetry is either putting yourself or the reader into the poem in my opinion. It might take adding another stanza here in order to do so. Were it me I'd either add the stanza at the beginning ( something like "As I stand in shadowed street......") or toward the end ( eg. In which time passes without wear......)
I would recommend that you concentrate first on this additional stanza. Then once you think you have that written so as to connect with the reader, then work on title next and lastly make what changes you think needed to blend the new stanza into the rest of the poem.
I think that although the ol' "worn by time" theme is itself pretty worn, that it's universal enough to be done at least once more id done well. So take the bones of your poem and splint the fractures and flesh in the rest. I know you can do it........stan

A tough subject as it is often written about. Again, when one endeavors into these waters, you must be masterful. This one still has a ways to go.

The rhyme scheme is rough for me, made even more so by the lack of meter. I would suggest abandoning and going free verse. It will offer you some creative liberties that I think should be taken.

S1, L4 you can do better than "hands of time" this is too cliche for the piece you are attempting to write. Dig deep into your mind and find the beauty you want to convey here. We all know what's happening. Say it in a way I don't want to stop reading.

S3, L1 the word "Still" is a sore thumb to me. Can't explain why. For this, I apologize.

S3, L2 "as your spirit stays alive" Again, dig deep here and give us a picture we haven't seen before. This is why I suggested above to ditch the structure. Go for the image in this case. You can always come back and refine.

Look forward to the edits,

Scott

I'm afraid I have to agree with my fellow poets. The first stanza sets out your stall; but the simile, to me, is not strong enough. A virgin in a harem of concubines might have more impact as a virgin in a bordello or a nymphomaniac in a nunnery. I feel regret that the rhyming structure had to go. "birds of flight" would perhaps have less tautology as "feathered keepers of remembrance".
In spite of the foregoing, as a fully paid -up old romantic, I liked it !
Regards
Ian

I think by changing this to free verse you Did succeed in eliminating some of the frivolity. I have a few more ideas if You'd care to consider them.
Line 3 "true passion of the soul" seems a bit redundant to me. Try dropping of the soul and see if you like it
Stanza 2, l-4 try sow instead of spread (hints at something expected to grow)
Hope these are of some help.........stan

and work a considerable improvement.

My only remaining critique is purely ideological/sociological/political.

Consider writing the poem about a male? Don't you think women have always been under too much pressure to preserve their purely physical, basically adolescent, virginal beauty?

This is not true critique as I offer no constructive suggestions. I am merely suggesting that the entire premise is destructive to realistic relationships between the sexes.

perhaps this may add some perspective.
https://soundcloud.com/user536630132/audio-recording-on-tuesday

a poet tries to get too poetic! I think that in trying to convey the ideas, you have just used too many words that don't really fit! I didn't see that you took any of the critique to heart and wish that I had made this comment earlier. I guess that I still have something to learn about giving critique! Sorry that I didn't give you the best that I had. ~ Gee

much impressed by your final re-write. I won't take back my earlier critique, because that it is what I felt at the time. I feel that you have [with this final version], done well. ~ Gee