Unripened fears
obscurred by misty, future tears
everblurring visions
of what I hope will soon happen to me;
daunted passions
clouded windows, and myriad "jarred" doors.
By my own admissions,
how can I know for sure that, a dream realized will console me?
Last Few Words: Merely tried to expand upon a brief thought. doc.
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Works for me. ~A
Works for me.
~A
Thanx, ~A...
...glad it does.
sincerely,
doc.
This one hits home for me
This one hits home for me right now - dreams that I wish could come true but would probably panic like a school girl if they did, lol, 6 of one half a dozen of another. Very good write.
I'm grateful...
...that this one spoke to you.
Thanx, so very much fo your comments.
doc.
You will touch your reader with this subject
I don't think we ever truly know what the future holds, but I was once told, it is just so much better to say "Gee, I wish I hadn't than Gee, I wish I had."
We never know until we take that chance. If not this time, then perhaps the next. But, each step we take toward enlightenment or love has a way of making the next step that much easier.
You ask a question many have asked throughout life. You will touch your reader with this subject because just about everyone can relate.
As far as technicality goes, I think this a bit wordy for free-verse poetry. It verges on prose cut up to look like poetry. You might practice a bit more brevity in this work.
An example might be:
"raw fear
obscures
future tears blur vision
cloud windows
as myriads of jarred doors
daunt inner passion"
Just a thought.
All in all, your message is clear.
Thank you for the opportunity to absorb your words. ~Pamela
I'm not....
...used to freeform, it was suggested to me to try.
I greatly appreciate your imput.
sincerely,
doc.