I look upon the dome when dawn has shown,
a light, a promise basks another day,
a pearl of glory crept and slowly grown
fulfilling sights and hearts once went astray.
When darkness wraps, and eyen can't find the way,
aloof, and only high one finds the lost
whereas the helpless, hopeless souls exhaust.
**eyen" is the plural of eye as in child and ox
Comments
‘When darkness wraps, and
‘When darkness wraps, and eyen can't find the way’ – are you using ‘eyen’ as a poetic device, to catch attention or something? If not, then I really think ‘eye’ is enough, for the phrase ‘and eye can't find the way’ in itself has the connotation to mean many eyes. I think ‘eye’ works better for the rhythm….
I have read this over and over, and it is probably my ignorance, but I don’t get the connection of logic between the quatrain and tercet… or more exactly, I’m not sure I understand what you are saying
I really like the way the quatrain has as it’s text and subtext the sun and the dome of the rock (at least it’s how I read it – did you mean that?)
great meter throughout
thank you for your continued support, and for the awesome poetry you have submitted, throughout this workshop, rula
love judy
xxx
.
hello judy
I'm sorry this wasn't clear enough to be enjoyed. It has some religious connotation you might figure refering to the dome no matter if it is the dome of the rock or the sky.However, I admit i'm not very happy with the trecet or particularly the last two lines.
Anyways i have really enjoyed this workshop though i've struggled by the end as time isn't mine these days.
Dear judy
I 'm really speechless in front of your generosity, the effort and the time you're giving to teach.
Thanks again and again.
Thanks for adding to my experiences
and vocabulary
Ffrench
Thanks for your nice comment and visiting
Hi Rula
I just Keep on learning about new rhyme patterns here. "eyen"....another new one for my thick skull to absorb lol. But I think using it here instead of just eyes might be a mistake unless it's important to the poem that readers realize the eyes are both human and non human. In any case i enjoyed reading this.............stan