Your disheveled hair
before ten in the morning,
while taking our first sips of coffee
on the deck with our dogs nearby.
The fragrance of your neck;
especially when it’s not from a bottle.
Delicate, original, and only yours.
Your sadness for old shoes
left in the weather, forgotten and worn,
while trying them on again to give them hope.
And blaming me when an animal is hurt
in a movie neither of us have seen.
Because the universe should speak to me
in advance about such important matters.
Comments
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively employs sensory imagery to evoke the intimate moments of a relationship. However, it could benefit from more consistent use of poetic devices such as metaphor, simile, or personification to deepen the reader's emotional engagement.
The first two stanzas are rich in sensory detail, painting a vivid picture of the morning routine and the unique scent of the person being addressed. However, the third stanza could be enhanced by adding more sensory details about the old shoes. For instance, describing their texture, color, or the sound they make could make the scene more vivid and engaging.
The final stanza introduces an element of humor, which provides a nice contrast to the more sentimental tone of the previous stanzas. However, the transition could be smoother. One way to achieve this could be to introduce a hint of this humor earlier in the poem, so it doesn't come as a surprise.
The poem's structure is clear, with each stanza focusing on a different aspect of the relationship. However, the rhythm could be improved for a more pleasing auditory experience. Currently, the lines vary greatly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Experimenting with different line lengths and syllable counts could help create a more consistent rhythm.
Lastly, the poem's theme could be made more explicit. While it's clear that the poem is about the little things that make a relationship special, the title and the poem itself could do more to highlight this theme. For instance, the title could be more specific, and the poem could include a refrain or repeated phrase that underscores the theme.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
A Few Things I Like
Hello, Michael,
Love the title, and the context of the poem gives the wonderful feeling that there is a tremendous amount more than "a few." The final two lines lend a sense of "teasing" and playfulness.
Thank you!
L