This empty feeling comes and it goes,
its swift and its subtle as a vine of ivy that grows.
My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
with no attempts to hide them,
their transparent like me.
An open book for anyone to read,
my thoughts splayed wide open,
for the sadistic to feed.
My story no different from ones of the past,
sometimes its tragic and sometimes I laugh.
No different from anyone, when you cut me I bleed,
afraid of my feelings, I'm afraid of my need.
My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.
When god sends an angel, it bites and it screams,
when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves.
Sometimes alone with no hope ahead,
these are my feelings when I feel this feeling of dread.
Comments
Dear KZ,
Very nice imagery fraught with raw feelings!
suggestions:
In this line "their transparent like me." I think it should be either they are, Or, they're.
These two lines are a little rough:
My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.
perhaps to phrase them so that you don't have to rhyme with "Love"
Maybe: "No matter how painful the love I feel..." (and take the next line from there with "feel" as the word to be rhymed with instead of "love"
some rhyming suggestions are:
wheel
squeal
conceal
congeal
real or reel
deal
unreal
I hope I have helped.
always, Cat
Thanks Cat
I was actually about to toss this in the garbage when I decided to post it and see if it could be salvaged at all.I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with it.Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, things around here have been very busy as of late.Thanks again Cat, your always a big help:-)
KZ
KZ,
I like the theme, but feel it needs tightening up. I will PM the ideas and suggestions for you.
regards,
HS
Thanks HS
I like what you've done with it.I think you can turn anything into a song.Thanks again.
KZ
KZ,
following on from our PM conversations, find below the re-write I undertook.
I would not normally post a re-write on somebody's work, but KZ has suggested that he would like my version out in the open, so here goes. My intention was to turn this into a tighter piece and create a lyric from it:
A Feeling Of Dread
This empty feeling comes and reluctantly goes
As subtle as a vine of poisoned ivy that grows
My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
Transparent, open to interpretation like me.
An open book for you to digest and read
Thoughts torn open for the sadistic to read
(chrous)
My story is no different from ones of the darkened past
So tragic, shameful and sad, that to stay sane, I laugh
No different from anybody else, when you cut me, I bleed
With the terror of my inner feelings, I'm afraid of what I need
My need grows painful, no matter how much I love
This pain will dive deeper, it's my curse from above
When God sends an angel, it bites and it screams
And when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves
When I am all alone with no hope ahead,
I am left with this feeling of utter dread
(outro or bridge)
With my darkened past, so tragic I laugh
When I'm cut I bleed, afraid of what I need
--------------------------------------------------------
kind regards,
HS
Dear KZ,
I very much like what Dan has done with your poem. It's fresher but still maintains the essence of King Zombie!
love, Cat
I like it too:-)
I think hes done a very good job with it, and I'm really glad he posted it.
KZ
KZ,
I just noticed I have repeated a word in this stanza:
An open book for you to digest and read
Thoughts torn open for the sadistic to read
This needs sorting, I had thought about changing the last word of the second line to 'Feed'...what do you think?
regards,
HS