judyanne

Sep 05, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

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family portrait

in a corner-torn moment
she stands
in shades of grey
the new-born babe
swathed in woollen white
clutched tightly in her arms

before her in a wicker chair
his hands caress the napes
of the necks of the two small boys
who lean across his knees

all dressed in Sunday best
for a family album addition
to keepsake the new blessing

a happy picture

so you'd think

an intuition
for I know the story

I look closer
seek their eyes
find therein
emotional exposure

sad confusion in the children's
gentle puzzlement in his

and in the woman's holding the newborn
unmistakable grief

a picture in a picture
portrayed in those mirrors of soul
emotions raw
frozen in time
for me to glimpse eighty years on
and be reminded to not forget

Dulcie

blonde haired, blue-eyed
only two

Dulcie

who diphtheria took
while my nan gave birth
to the reason
for this faded photo
.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Western Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Favourite poets? So many

Comments

oh wow!

This really works in almost every aspect of poetry we were hoping to elicit with this workshop.

I say almost because the form itself is a tad prosaic.

The title I would re-consider, as it puts at least some people in mind of semiotics and deconstructionism. Perhaps something like 'The Story Within"? Just a general suggestion of direction, if you get my drift.

Brevity is important to freeform works without strong prosodic values so I would edit a little, eg 'preserved' and 'captured' are superfluous.

Rather than make any specific suggestions I would suggest you look at removing any possible un-necessary words, and with what remains consider some poetic devices.

Remember freeform doesn't exclude prosodic values, it merely means they are not used in a rigid pattern.

thank you so much jess

i've edited - is it any better, or still too prosodic?

i'm still thinking on a new title

thanks again
love judy
xxx

bloody excellent revisions!

I personally would leave it as it is. It will be memorable amongst your body of work and would stand out in any anthology.

thanks beau

i like your suggestions for the title... they open up some ideas

and your comments anout those stanzas and bulkiness made perfet sense. i have edited - do you think it works better?

thanks again beau
love judy
xxx

thanks jess and beau

.
do you think it would lose anything if i called it 'Dulcie' ?

xxx

mmm would have to think about that

It would not be my first choice, certainly better than "Subtext" but I would listen to other's opinions on that one.

What about

"beyond the scene"

getting there

beyond the frame ??

it'll come

thanks rula - every suggestion appreciated
let me know if you think of any more

love judy
xxx

title

i really want to get the right title for this - i almost want to leave it untitled... i would really appreciate help

what does anyone think of
portrait of a lost child
portrait of loss
the portrait beyond the frame
portrait of Dulcie
Dulcie’s portrait

or has anyone any suggestions these bring to mind?

love judy
xxx

actually

would love some yeas and nays on one that just sprang to mind

'on her page of the album'

i like that one i think
xxx

I

Just think it's a little long (IMO) but it's your choice dear judy

yea, no lol

i don't like it anymore anyway

i'm thinkng now of something along the lines of 'background exposure' - but still not there, as i have used 'exposure' in the poem itself
lol
thanks rula - all suggestions still welcomed
xxx

Judy

A beautiful piece of writing, the theme was as life is,
and the reality struck home.
This needs a tidy with the spacing, it makes it less sincere,
as you have separated the characters too much, and the picture becomes blurred.
As to the title "Life of Change" springs to mind, as it gives nothing away and the piece will hold the reader to the end,
Yours, Ian.T

i've re-looked at the spacing

with your crit in mind

apart from the aesthetics of the poem - being careful the upper part is not too chunky compared to the lower, i also use the spacing, amongst other things to have the reader pause, so i think i'll leave it as it is for now ian
thanks for the thought anyway

and thanks for the title suggestion
love judy
xxx

how about

"Beyond The Frame"?

yeah i thought of that

then tossed it

i think arja has given it to me, for now

thanks jess
love judy
xxx

Line#30 (i think) "and be

Line#30 (i think) "and be reminded to not forget", I suggest "and be reminded not to forget" as a more smooth read..

this piece captured me into the poem..and somehow I agree on the title change..may I suggest "A Family Portrait" which doesn't take away the climax of the scene..and actualy portrays such on face value, but has a more deeper thought than what the eyes usually see.. :)

love the emotion captured herein, since the memory of the picture lingers..

thank you arja for the lovely

thank you arja for the lovely comments and the title suggestion

thanks also for the suggestion for change, but I thought hard on both ways as I was writing it

I prefer the way it is for the very reason it is not smooth, I hope it pulls the reader up a little as the theme is about to be exposed, and I like the way it ‘skips’

and also the semantics of both ways have slightly different interpretations
not to forget
to not forget
- do you see? lol you don’t have to agree

thanks again, very much for the great crit and title idea
love judy
xxx

..wow! i see the BIG

..wow! i see the BIG difference now that you've shown me, thanks for the pointers..i'll keep that in mind! :)