scribbler
Nov 10, 2010

FALL WIND

Leaves scurrying across the ground
with a brittle rushing sound
a multi-colored moving cover
they chase each other as if lovers

As colored leaves desert the trees
they ride to earth upon stiff breeze
to join their fellows in the fray
on this windy autumn day

All the trees bend low and sway
and fan the air around today
while their limbs all clap and rattle
adding to the noise and prattle

The sun and moon both share the sky
where horse-tailed cirrus rush and fly
amid back drop of powder blue
and contrails where jetliners flew

The crows that fly into this wind
are nearly blown end over end
geese and ducks both swerve and dive
and sound their joy to be alive

I watch the sedge become a sea
like golden wheat on some prairie
and waves on lakes look like an ocean
with troughs and crests always in motion

Now as shadows become longer
the gale turns colder and much stronger
so I pull my hat down tight
and head toward home in failing light

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost

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More from this author

Comments

S

Maybe we both need rubber stamps lol.......stan

S

What a nice complement ! I try other forms but keep coming back to " classic " for some reason........stan

judyanne

absolutely awesome
such visual
such descriptive

i thought i'd pick out a favourite verse....
had so much trouble, i wanted to write out the whole poem...
finally couldn't decide between these two
(and the crows, geese and ducks came close to being included too.... and then i would've had to add the sedge and wheat and lakes.....)

'As gold and orange desert the trees
they ride to earth upon stiff breeze
to join their fellows in the fray
on this windy autumn day

The sun and moon both share the sky
where horse-tailed cirrus rush and fly
amid back drop of powder blue
and contrails where jetliners flew'

thank you for the beautiful descriptive that had me experience so much wonder

about this poem by the way - have i told you that i like it?

love
judy
xxxx

S

I was afraid title would lead folks to think it was about beans lol. I am always happy to leave you undecided on a favorite verse, thanks.........scribbler

judyanne

a beautiful descriptive write stan

I have a lot of suggestions re the rhythm
just imho as you know :)

‘ a multicolored moving cover – (multi-colored)
they chase each other like a lover’ - this line worries me
- ‘they’ are pleural, but ‘lover’ is single….
perhaps forgo the perfect rhyme and use lovers
‘they chase each other as do lovers’ ??

‘As gold and orange desert the trees’
‘orange desert’ is awkward
maybe
‘as golden light fades from the trees’ ??

absolutely love
‘The sun and moon both share the sky
where horse-tailed cirrus rush and fly
amid back drop of powder blue
and contrails where jetliners flew’

and
‘The crows that fly into this wind
are nearly blown end over end
geese and ducks both swerve and dive
and sound their joy to be alive'

- great descriptive in both those verses

‘I watch the sedge turn into a sea
like golden wheat on a prairie
‘turn into sea’ is also awkward, as is ‘on a prairie’
imho you need longer, or more, syllables there
maybe something like
‘I watch the sedge become a sea
like golden wheat on a lone prairie’

the gale turns much cooler and stronger
‘much cooler’ also awkward
maybe
‘the gale turns cooler and much stronger’ ??

‘ and head toward home in failing light.
maybe ‘and head to home in failing light; ??

one of your best descriptive stan - i love it
hugs
judy

S

You really had to dig deep to find this oldie lol. I'm headed to work at moment so I'll revisit in the evening but one thing I thought I'd mention was that the red and gold deserting the trees is the leaves not the sun............stan

S

You're trying your best to have me include some type light in this lol. I changed that line so as to leave no doubt what I'm referring to. Also did some other alterations for you to check out but decided I'd keep heading toward home instead of to home..............stan

judyanne

i like the idea of using an analogy there - i think the image of colour falling from the trees brings the image of leaves without actually saying so
but it is your write
and a beautiful one too
i like the edit....
xx
hugs

loved

I am shuddering in the wind
and
like all autumn leaves strewn
am blown up into the sky high
then as a stroke of lightening threatens,
I come down from heaven,
upon the wings of soft snow,
all my brethren in similar vein
are happy to see me again
and
smile at me too
they sure love me to be around
lying nude,
forsaken on the ground

Such is your poetry
and
my snap taken of my back yard
strewn with autumn leaves
like me
but without you…