Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
war being fought, tooth and nail
bleeding bodies leaving a trail
no glimmer of light, this fateful night
Nov 01, 2014
Eye for an Eye. (Serious Limerick WS)
About This Poem
Review Request Direction: What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Good poem.
Poor limerick. Subject aside, it is almost a mystical taboo to change the rules and your lines three and four are way too long. It's a loose sort of anapest that I'm going to let Jess explain because he understands this form a lost better than I do.
The rhyme scheme was right, but the meter is troubled throughout. Jess's suggestion is to read a lot of other limericks. That's hard for me because I don't much care for the tawdry.
and Jess kicked me out at the
rehearsal very stage as a pea
limy is no ma cup of tea
chai they say
so i shall stay away
let loved out of the arena be
did I kick you out?
really?Quote me the URL.
Thanks Wesley
for providing insights. I will work on the meter and line lenghts of Lines 3 & 4
Regards.
Wesley how about the short lines 3 & 4 and rhythm now?
Guns keep booming with no end in sight
bombs keep dropping with all the might
all tooth and nail
with a bloody trail
no glimmer of hope this night
Regards,
Hot damn.
I do believe you've got it chap. Now do it again. I can't seem to write a serious one to save me.
Personally
I think this is harder than it looks.
u just won the tee shirt
JESS Brand
You did not win the T-shirt!
Don't put words in my mouth.
Thanks Gemma for your time
Thanks Gemma for your time and proposing some tweaks. I feel the length of line 3 needs to be shorter and rhythm in line 5 needs to be looked at. I will wait Jess to give his inputs.
Thanks once again...
I don't know why I bother.
Where's iambic tetrameter when you need it?
Wesley
I wrote in iambic tetrameter
But became tired in my lazy boy seater
I thought why work
I’m not a jerk
It made me sit and titter
Yours, Sparrow. La, La.