secrets
I am foreign
among your petals
breathing deeply.
softly sighing
brain eruptions
tiny tingling deaths
intubate me
with kisses slow,
being is believing.
sniffling surreptitiously
dandelion fuzz
on fluttering fingers.
Aug 16, 2011
Exhalation Travel (eddy styx) formerly known as "Secrets"
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Dearest Cat
i liked the sensual characteristic of this write
Thanks raj,
Glad you liked it! It is very different for an eddy styx poem.
always, Cat
Dear Ian,
Even with a love poem, eddy styx is still weird! Thanks for reading and responding!
always, eddy (& cat)
hello
I read this as a bee pollinating but realize it didn't Have to be a bee to still be correct. Was that enough be's lol. L-4 I would switch the two words to match up better with line 3 but that's just me............
LOL~
Thanks Stan,
I'll think about your suggestion!
always, eddy (& cat)
Cat You Are
.
Cat You Are
That silver lining
We see around a cloud,
So many of us would like to catch it
At least me,
Have no doubt
But the lining is so silvery,
My eyes can't that distance see
But surely do come by
And
Elevate me
To a higher storey
Dear Loved,
Thank you kindly, that's very sweet of you!
always, eddy (& Cat)
Cat
It feels like love, but there is an underlining feeling of the touch of death in this. Why I don't know, but there is a certain sweetness to the feeling over taking the reader. Well at lease me.
Bravisima!!
Eddie
Dear Eddie,
I think it is the word "intubate" as it is an action of rescue. And it was intentional, so glad you picked up on this subtlty. You're a deep thinker!
always, eddy (& cat)
Cat
The deepness is in your write. I just see it. the credit is all yours, Buddy
Eddie
Dear Eddie,
LOL! You're a hard man to pay a compliment! But a good man, too!
always, eddy (& cat)
Hi Cat, first let me ask did
Hi Cat, first let me ask did you mean *exaltation* ?
Or .exhilaration?
Would you consider renaming the poem whichever you meant: *exaltation* or *exhilaration*?
Omit it as your last sentence?
Hello Anna,
Yes I meant exhalation travel. I like your idea. thanks!
always, Cat
I realy like this
and my suggestions are best shown by example. All I have done is remove some line breaks and add some punctutation. See what you think.
secrets
I am foreign among your petals,
breathing deeply.
Softly sighing brain eruptions,
tiny tingling deaths
intubate me with kisses slow.
Being is believing.
sniffling surreptitiously
dandelion fuzz
on fluttering fingers.