Sometimes my heart hurts like so much dust covers it.
It's like when I pee blood I pee dirt.
Uncomfortable is this lifestyle,
so why am I in love with it?
Scared to be alone at night with the vampires and werewolves,
reaching out through phone calls,
to be ignored by my sentinels.
Thinking that my girlfriend must hate,
this person I am.
She won't take my phone calls,
so I am scared to be my own friend.
When it comes to it I bleed stone.
For lack of care.
I don't care about all those judging eyes,
I can't care for that I just don't care.
I'm full.
Uneaten.
Just take my plate.
I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.
Comments
tres existential mate,
Sartre himself would drive the porcelain bus.
Not sure about that last line
I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.
maybe "which" is not quite right?
could drop the word or something like
I'm throwing up, bulemic from this life.
?
not sure about bulemic
If I was bulemic from this life I would be intentionally ridding it from my body, through means i'm guessing we both know. With the wording I used, I was trying to imply that i'm throwing up, full of it, yet unintentionally. If that makes any sense.
I understand but the line is inelegant
I'm throwing up from which this life I ate.
I'm throwing up, this life's meal
has proven indigestible.
I'm sure you can think of something better
your word is gold to me
But the line is intentionally inelegant. I wanted it rough. I thought an elegant ending would detract from the poem. Your thoughts elf?
how about this
"I vomit copiously
this life does not agree with me"
Just kidding.
It's not just inelegant, it's unclear. I leave it to you.
[hmmm, maybe I'm not kidding]
I tripped at the first line,
I tripped at the first line, too long? Might be improved with the intro being shortened with more line breaks. Or perhaps it is just a tad too long without enough strength to lead you into the body of the poem.
hey chez, have your philosophical readings
chanced upon Sartre yet?
As a teenager I ate my steak direct from the frying pan and believed I was an Existentialist.
But seriously, I love the literature that emerged from it, especially absurdism.
Have we got an erection yet?
Jean Paul
is in the bucket list after Schopenhauer and I find little gems in all of them but perhaps not so deliciously as Fred :P
Maybe I didn't hit the spot
The first line is intentionally long as I was looking for a visceral feeling to start the poem, and that particular line gets me and those i've read it too before posting this. Maybe it's a bit off, do you have any suggested changes?
Perhaps a re-editing of it
Perhaps a re-editing of it may help: Sometimes hearts hurt, as if dust covered
Something like that perhaps?
bloke
the first lines in stanza one and two seem to much, the rest sounds self - deprecating, So what is it that made you feel this way in the poem/prose you or your girl friend. it's a little mundane to me but it's your write. I'm just trying to be honest.. It needs something., I need to read it a few times.
It's my opinion only.
Eddie C.
Long lines, short lines...
I'm going to go head-to-head with Chez (CCfire) about this subject. Not surprising - she habitually writes short lines (which are de rigeur, it seems, for free verse, though heaven knows why) and I habitually write long ones (I do that for various reasons, but the commonest complaint is that they make free verse seem like prose).
In this poem of yours the unevenness conveys the uneasiness, which seems to be the register you're looking for. That is reinforced by the way that three- and four-line stanzas give way to single lines at the end. It's neither comfortable nor comforting, but I think that's exactly what you want to express. Also you're not afraid to reinforce all this by cutting right across normal grammatical usage.
Interesting work.
What i'm going for
In anything I write, the length of the line, the tone of the verse, and definitely the uneveness portrayed is vital to what I am trying to put across. I sound out every syllable of every line, as if it's a song, looking for impact. The grammatical usage is not always but often intentional, as I write from a place of deep feeling. The fact that you touched on the uneveness in this poem depletes all negative feelings I do even now have about my writing style, as sometimes it appears as if it falls on blind eyes and deaf ears. And goddamnit I don't want to come across pretentious, I have no right, I'm trying to be honest.
Good insight Marie,
I'm looking forward to Blokes responses to this feedback.
Although I don't think short lines are de rigeur for free verse. Frequent, perhaps, but not de rigeur.
I write them the way I hear
I write them the way I hear them in my head, so how ever it comes out is how it's written, right or wrong it's me :)
hey
is this that river in Egypt, I have a padle if anyone needs it?
Eddie C.
Hi Bloke ...
Good to see ya man ... I loved the title to this poem, it is or
was a draw (for me anyway). I too felt something wrong with
the first line, not necessarily in length, as I too like to play with
lengths for affect, but it is such an abstract metaphor, but I say
if you use an abstraction, own it ... in other words, instead of using
"like", which to me is so overplayed (by me as well), remove it and
maybe add a comma for a smoother read aloud ...
As far as this poem goes (for me), I was happy to read it, it is unique
and so very honest that, it gives to the reader, and that's a plus every
damn time...
thanks for posting
Richard
Bloke
This is the first of your writes I think I have seen, you seem to have a dilemma here where you live in a state yet it makes you sick..
Suggestion, just move over, stop pissing against the wind, all you do there, is get your own back to be clichéd.
I think that Jess hit it good, and the words I have just read seem to bridge a gap or two:-
“In life man commits himself and draws his own portrait, outside of which there is nothing.
No doubt this thought may seem harsh to someone who has not made a success of his life.
But on the other hand, it helps people to understand that reality alone counts, and that dreams, expectations and hopes only serve to define a man as a broken dream, aborted hopes, and futile expectations.”
― Jean-Paul Sartre, Existentialism Is a Humanism
Anothere stop on the journey we are on, Yours Ian.T