William Saint George

Jun 13, 2012

This poem is part of the workshop:

Rhyme Crimes

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Description: This workshop’s goals are three fold.

The first will be to expose the participant to the wide array of rhyme types available to the poet beyond that known as “proper rhyme” (which will be described fully in the workshop’s first essay). Each day of the first two weeks I will introduce and describe one of the more esoteric rhyme types for discussion in preparation for part three.

The second will be to explain (and enforce within the confines of the workshop) the technical parameters involved with common rhyme. For the purposes of our exercise this most widely used of rhyme types will be referred to as “proper” though its names in English are manifold including, but not limited to: “authentic”, “classic”, “traditional”, “perfect” and more. Being the most used of all rhyme forms it is of course also the most abused and this workshop will attempt to clarify what makes a proper rhyme and what does not.

The third will be to construct a minimum of three short poems. The first poem will correctly utilize proper rhyme. The other two poems will employ two of the other rhyme types discussed in part one. To assure the participant is fully immersed in the challenge, the third rhyme type will be chosen for the poet by the workshop’s leader (that would be me).
An optional challenge (which would relieve the poet from producing multiple poems) will allow the poet to write a single poem using three types of rhyme within one piece. Although this sounds quite difficult (even revolutionary), it is quite common in the poetry of Pope, Dunne, Dryden, Shakespeare and Byron to name but a few.

Please remember to put Rhyme Crimes Workshop in the title when you post your submissions because they appear on the Stream, so that people critiquing can know the context of the poem.

Leader: Wesley Snow
Moderator(s): Stan Holliday/Judyanne

Objectives: The final objective is to leave the poet with a better understanding of the mechanics of rhyme, including the depth of variation in rhyme schemes and thereby be able to recognize when the “rules” are being broken and how an informed bending or breaking of these rules can add or detract from the poet’s work.

Level of expertise: Olympic Pool

Subject matter: Rhyme

This workshop is closed.

Dunhold's Bane (Rhyme Crimes Workshop #2)

Dunhold, strewn across the green of wooded vale and hill serene
was like a casket for a maid, with bushes lush and flowers laid.
Her tip would touch the valley's edge where rivers bent in sickle wedge,
her crown would tickle heaven's sky above the perch where eagles fly.

And like a grave, her fate turned out that her demise, without a doubt
was sowed in greed, her misery, the fruit of their great mystery.
Thandalusia, Dunhold's bane! Their world recoils; their glory wanes.
The end was quick, no other name shall bring more gladness or more shame.

The silent beauty of the night, once jeweled in the silver light,
the valley of a thousand stars has turned to blood, an ageless scar
that stains all Elfheim to this day, from woodless mount to shattered bay.
Those that remain are thought insane. Few wish to speak of Dunhold's bane.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: Here's my bit on internal rhyme. Here, the word at the end of each line rhymes with one in the middle of the same line. It's anyone's guess how I arrived at this one. :) I wanted to be sure if I got this right from the start, but I'll be brave and submit it here. You judge me. A quick word: this one is from my story I'm still developing. This bit of it is one of the more mature aspects of the story, so I found it easier to turn to poetry.

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Ghana, GHA

Favorite Poets: William Shakespeare

Comments

Hi William,

I have to say that I read your question about this
poem on the main page of the workshop before reading
it, and you have a valid question, this could be split up
to read as end rhymes instead of internal. I'm very interested
to see what Wesley has to say here. This workshop has been
very beneficial to me.

In your last stanza, the first line seems a couple of syllables short,
your story line was good, with a good ending.

Richard

We briefly discussed the "problem" with evenly spread internals.

The difficulty as I see it arises thus- William decided first of all to write a poem with internal rhyme. As he wrote it, he dutifully felt the meter tick things off and (here it comes) PLACED THE RHYME WHERE THE METER PAUSED FOR IT.
It's a reasonable reaction and the few poems I've written with internal rhyme was written precisely that way. I placed the rhyme where the meter seemed to want it. This is hard for me to say because I am such a stick in the mud about form, but internal rhyme is best served with a bit of randomness. Place the rhymes where they will strengthen the phrase. 1) to emphasize an important noun or phrase. 2) to add to the musicality of the thing. Rhyme strung closely together often tends to speed up a line. 3) to add humor (Dr. Suess).
Use your instinct more than your brain.
Now I have to wash my mind out with soap.
wesley

Got it!

I'm going to try out another poem, with a bit of randomness, just as you suggested. :)

This shows you how much I read Tolkien.

In a later version, he removed the dash. I gotta get some help. wesley

unfortunately

i read the conversations on the workshop site and here, so the rhyme was spoilt a little with my being over-conscious of where it was while reading it

lol - i have to say though bill, it has spoilt my favourite poe line as well
'Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary'
- so you're in great company :)

an awesome write, great descriptive giving me heaps of visuals
- and great rhyme
i really like this poem
love judy
xxx